Mystery Club Adventures

Gran Torino - Like a Giant Oak

2009-03-29T23:18:00.000-07:00

As this movie is fairly new, I had better warn you that we are heading into ‘spoiler territory’. Okay???

This movie has been heralded as Clint Eastwood’s ‘masterpiece’. It’s ok but not as good as some others he’s been in, like ‘Bronco Billy’ and ‘Heartbreak Ridge’. Gran Torino tugs at the heartstrings continually, asking us to get involved, clutching at our legs, and eventually we are dragged into the movie.

Gran Torino is a car, not an old Italian lady. Just thought I’d clear that up.

It begins with a funeral, an open casket with Clint stood at its head. Actually the casket is acting Clint off the screen at this point. Not a good start. We feel that the wrong one is being buried.

A good buddy of mine reckons Clint’s character ‘Walt’ is really Dirty Harry gone old. I disagree most vehemently. It’s Lurch from the Addams Family gone old. Seriously. Check out the guttural groans peppered throughout this epic. Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-rr-rrr…

‘Walt’ is a bitter racist who fought in Korea. The barrage of racist quips is soon nullified as we realise that they are ‘just words’ (according to the movies ‘apologists’). I find racism repulsive except when it is used to provoke Spike Lee. But hey, if it’s good enough for Clint – that’s fine. All his buddies in the film think it’s adorable and join in with huge cheesy grins!

He discovers that he likes foreign food. The ice is thawing…

He abuses the young man who lives next door and makes him do all sorts of chores. Eventually he falls in love with ‘Toad’ and acts as a kind of begrudging subliminal ‘mentor’. I half expected him to shout ‘wax on – wax off’ at him. Or croak it at least.

‘Walt’ smokes a lot of cigarettes and spits blood everywhere. He is not a well man. He will probably die soon. Sympathy for ‘Walt’ please.

Reminds me a bit of when they used to haul in Nazi war criminals years ago. These guys would be on the doddering side of the ageing process. My mum used to say things like “Awwww… look at him. He’s OLD. Awwww…..”. etc. Draw your own conclusions from THAT bizarre mindset. I used to work in the Housing department for Liverpool City Council many years ago and I can tell you that the really obnoxious ones were the elderly. I had a heated discussion with my dad who insisted that the older generation were more “gentle and polite”. Well, my experience differed greatly. Fortunately I find the younger ones have a far better attitude (albeit one slightly warped by sinister ‘political correctness’) but I am guardedly optimistic.

‘Toad’, under ‘Walt’s’ tutelage, gets a job, pulls a hot chick and gets a cigarette stubbed out on his cheek. He also blows the chance to join a real cool gang. Schmuck.

‘Toad’s’ sister is a feisty young thang who likes ‘Walt’. Her persistence means that ‘Walt’ likes her too. She gets attacked and ‘Walt/Clint’ does that face thing he did to such great effect in that crap film he made with Burt Reynolds.

After much anxiety, ‘Walt’ sorts out everyone’s mess and croaks on the floor in the famous Soundgarden ‘Jesus Christ Pose’.

‘Toad’ inherits the car.

Fin.

This film is just under 2 hours long and the time passes fairly quickly so you could say I enjoyed it. Will I watch it again? For sure. Should YOU watch it? Absolutely. Is it Clint’s best film ever? No, but should it have to be?

Clint is one of the great treasures of the USA and is loved all over the world.

I love him anyway, but in a manly way.

Snail.

Sweet Sixteen Update: Death Match-ups #3

2009-03-23T22:26:00.001-07:00

So, my mascot fighting system was an abject failure. Ultimately I didn't take into account the fact that some teams suck despite how good their school's mascots are. I guess I'll have to take that into account from now on. I also underestimated the awesomeness of 7 foot tall anthropomorphic Cardinals with hands. So Louisville... I'm impressed.

Anyhow, I'm going to play this joke until it is killed in it's own death match.
----------------------------
SWEET 16

Louisville 7 Foot Tall Bad-Ass Anthropomorphic Cardinals VS. Arizona Wildcats.

Come on, they're 7 Foot Tall Pissed-off Cardinals. Of course they win.
PICK: Louisville Cardinals
---------------------------

Kansas Jayhawks VS. Michigan State Spartans

Well, they're still Spartans, the toughest survivalist soldiers in the history of the world. And they're playing against dopey blue birds.

PICK: Michigan State Spartans
---------------------------

UCONN Huskies VS. Purdue Boilermakers

UCONNs are doofy looking dogs fighting trains. Since the doofy looking dogs already beat a freaking Mockingbird driving a train, a plain old human conductor driving a train should be no problem.

PICK: UCONN Huskies.
---------------------------

Missouri Tigers VS. Memphis Tigers

They're both Tigers. Can I call it a draw? No? I'll go with the Memphis ones, just to be a contrarian.

Pick: Missouri Tigers
---------------------------

UNC Tarheels VS. Gonzaga Zags
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2882
I love the bad-ass angry Rams in this one. The Bulldogs are pretty mean looking, as far as college bulldog mascots go. But Satanic Rams have what look like stainless steel horns coming out of their heads. And they're angry. Awesome.

PICK: UNC
---------------------------

Villanova Wildcats VS. Duke Blue Devils
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=jgoyj6fi8dtvi588jrig4qgi2
They're satanic and they have command of sheets of blue fire and they have tridents. Wildcats are just mean and crazy. I have to go with the Satan's ability to field great college basketball teams.

PICK: Duke
---------------------------

Pittsburgh Panthers VS. Xavier Musketeers

These particular Musketeers took down Vikings. So they're proven bad-asses. And they have swords AND guns. I think they can beat a batch of panthers.

PICK: Xavier Musketeers

-------------------------
Oklahoma Sooners VS. Syracuse Orange

I will continue to take the field against a random color and a beach-ball headed guy in a sweater. In this case we're talking about tough-as-nails settlers versus beach-ball heads.

PICK: Oklahoma
---------
Final 4 Predictions -- Based purely on awesome Mascots I have to go Huskies, UNC, Musketeers and just because they're Spartans... The Spartans.

March Madness #2: Death Match-ups

2009-03-23T22:20:00.000-07:00

Part 2 of my Epic Bracket Picking blog. My strategy is simple. I imagine the two school mascots forced to fight to the death, and the survivor advances.

EAST
-----------

Pittsburgh Panthers Vs. East Tennessee State Buccaneers
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=igyojg3c2bf08733gjdr
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=owio3y4h4szsggcffns5s9g1i

Well the Pittsburgh Panther is definitely a threatening beast. He's not nearly as scary as the jacked-up rabid-looking Prairie View A&M Mutant Panther
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=z9mz71y9o9qln237fdrr
And the Buccaneer is wearing earrings, and he's blue. Is he a ghost pirate like from "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie? I could see those guys taking on rabid, mutant panthers and winning. This guy has a pretty nice fu manchu mustache, and he looks evil. And buccaneers are heavily armed. But I feel if faced with the prospect of a hissing and spitting Psycho-Panther I imagine he's wetting himself and getting run down by the giant cat and turned into kitty chow.

PICK: Pittsburgh Panthers eat the Buccaneers.
--------------------------------
Oklahoma St. Cowboys Vs. Tennessee Volunteers
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2557
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=fykdagaz4o5dd5pmz68dekym9

The Volunteers used to be a Woodsman in coonskin cap and musket. Now he's a mildly peeved dog named Smokey. The Cowboy on the other hand looks pretty ornery and probably drunk. I would've taken the Woodsman over the Cowboy based on sheer toughness, but I have to take the Drunken Cowboy to abuse the Dog here.

PICK: Oklahoma State Cowboys
-----------------------------
Florida State Seminoles VS. Wisconsin Badgers
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=seqwwgbjf0ihqeeu7w8i95s5g
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2730

I admit Badgers are under-rated in terms of ferocity, but this guy is a mildly irked Badger in a stupid striped sweater. The Seminoles fought the entire U.S. Army to a standstill for 10 years in the swamps. I don't think he's going to be afraid of no stinkin' badgers. (sorry)

PICK: Florida State Seminoles make furry mittens out of Badger hides.
----------------------

Xavier Musketeers Vs. Portland State Vikings
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=gu91r3bdgxhl86grimwxcplcz
http://www.sportslogos.net/team.php?id=805

Hmm, this is a battle of impressionist logos. A sword versus a faceless green lightning bolt with a bull horn. Man, this is a tough one. I love Vikings and Musketeers. If someone was holding the sword I'd feel more confident. And if the green blur had a weapon I'd say it would be a walkover. Well, he'd need legs too. Vikings had psychotic rage and ferocity. Musketeers had discipline and guns. However they're only one shot guns, so after the initial volley the Vikings would rush the Musketeers and flatten them.

PICK: Portland State Vikings in a bloodbath.
-------------------

UCLA Bruins Vs. Virginia Commonwealth Rams
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2672
http://www.sportslogos.net/team.php?id=899

I think normal looking bears would beat normal looking rams pretty easily. But this is a goofy looking 1970's Grateful Dead Mascot looking Bear, and these are some pissed off Rams. Still I don't think the Ram could really hurt the Bear, and after the Bruin came down from his stoner high he'd get the munchies.

PICK: UCLA Bruin eats the Ram.
------------------
Villanova Wildcats Vs. American University Eagles
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=7133
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=6814

That's a pretty wild looking Wildcat. And American University has ditched the actual eagle as a mascot in favor of letters. I'd normally take the psychotic Wildcat pretty quickly, but we're talking about the AMERICAN Eagle. I don't want to come off as un-patriotic... but.

PICK: Villanova Wildcats... That's a pretty ferocious looking Wildcat.

-------------------
Texas Longhorns Vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=lmlfr6dq6nw9z6ughm66
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=bi3fnohutcve3yvj2c7ive4hv

Well you have a 3,000 pound steer with four foot long horns... and then we have a gopher. Albeit a GOLDEN one. I don't know what the Gopher could do to the Steer, except maybe dig a hole and hope the Longhorn trips over it. But then what. You still have a 3,000 pound side of beef falling on you. Sure the mascot logo is wearing a goofy cowboy hat, but exactly how did he get a hat on his head? If the Minnesota Gopher was the least threatening, and showed any sort of fighting skills I could see a little bit of a fight. But no, he's smugly grinning and wearing a stupid sweater.

PICK: Bevo the Longhorn tramples a whole army of smug little Gopher bastards by himself.
-----------------

Duke Blue Devils Vs. Binghamton Bearcats
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=jgoyj6fi8dtvi588jrig4qgi2
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=en1hgarfy3007o2ex50cizx1p

The Blue Devil mascot is universally recognizable from winning so many basketball championships, but this alternate version is frightening. What with his trident, his shield of blue fire and his pointy little devil shoes. This Blue Devil is ready for business. You'd think it would be a walk-over but then you see the Binghampton Bearcat. He looks like a hell-spawn cat arriving from some dark abyss. And he's part BEAR!!! The horrors. Still, we're talking about a spawn of the devil versus an ACTUAL Devil. Which is more evil?

PICK: Duke Blue Devils tame the Bearcats, but it's a close one.
------------------------
MIDWEST BRACKET

Louisville Cardinals Vs. (My Pick) Hornets
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2844

Granted we're talking about Cadillac-sized Hornets versus really mad Cardinals with teeth, who can dunk a basketball. But if the bird can dunk a basketball then it's a 7 foot tall evolved Cardinal with hands and tennis shoes. And a 7 foot tall evolved Cardinal could probably take apart a giant, angry Hornet.

PICK: Louisville 7 Foot Tall Dunking Evolved Cardinals.
-----------------
Ohio State Buckeyes VS. Siena Saints
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=ee23pfg91xeioyrppayw
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=3336kgxl1jzfvrzh423fldmyo

What is a Buckeye? Aren't they those gall balls that fall off oak trees? They're not even sentient animals. And Saints. Well, a Saint would probably lose to a 3 year old girl in any sort of fight. I mean, they're saints, they're non-violent, right? And they're dead. Otherwise you can't become a Saint. But actually they're represented by a fairly agressive Saint Bernard. And the Buckeye... he's just sad.

PICK: Siena Saint Bernards play fetch with the Buckeyes.
---------------
Utah Utes Vs. Arizona Wildcats
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=f59mntuxy6z31v0gapgueoyg2
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=7298

The Utes mascot doesn't give me much to work with. But I know the Utes were a Plains tribe that lived in an unforgiving wilderness. Wildcats also live in an unforgiving wilderness foraging for food. Unfortunately the Utes forage for Wildcats.

PICK The Utah Utes will decorate their tee-pees with Wildcat skulls.
-------------------
Wake Forest Demon Deacons Vs. Cleveland State Vikings
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=57d0636amp37lzzflha29tyha
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=kwthyzx2swpnggefwaidm12f2

I know, the Deacon is a crazed old man in a top hat while a Viking is one of the baddest dudes on the planet. However, the Demon Deacon has Satanic powers only hinted at by the mascot. And the Cleveland State Viking is shyly hiding behind the school logo.

PICK: Wake Forest Demon Deacons over the timid Vikings.

-----------------

West Virginia Mountaineers Vs. Dayton Flyers
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=4eb98glouqbreir8f1frfbfez
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=6867

Great, two mascots that don't give me much to work with. Well, anyone who lives in the hills of West Virginia must be pretty tough, what with all the deranged hillbillies running around... oh wait, now I get it. The Mountaineers ARE the deranged hillbillies. And The Flyers... um. Fly? The Flyers could fly OVER the mountain pretty easily, but Deranged Hillbillies looking for Moonshine would eventually hunt them down and skin 'em alive.

PICK: West Virginia Deranged Moonshine-lovin' Mountaineers.

Kansas Jayhaws Vs. North Dakota State Bisons
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=t96oee4doe8n2oxaft7f
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2551

The Kansas Jayhawk is a mutant-hybrid bird of a bluejay and a sparrow hawk. While the Bison is 3,000 pounds of fury and hungry herbivore. The real Jayhawks were militant abolitionists who were pretty tough and violent. However, the Jayhawk mascot is a goofy-looking bird in a sweater. And the Bison... he just looks pissed.

PICK: North Dakota State Bisons.
-------------------------------
Boston College Terriers Vs. USC Trojans
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=71v3tk2fyob03vry9halsekcg
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=y8ri08olp3dshhbzezrs

Well, the Trojans are famous for LOSING a war and the Terriers... okay. They're dogs. They're really cute dogs wearing sweaters that have no chance against a seasoned army of Trojans.

UPDATE: So I made a boo-boo. Apparently Boston College mascot are Eagles. They lost.

PICK: USC Trojans in a laugher.
------------------------------
Michigan State Spartans Vs. Robert Morris Colonials
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=fw2f89syje0hf2clevi4
http://www.sportslogos.net/team.php?id=816

We have the battle of soldiers. While the Colonials are armed with muskets, and fought a war of attrition against the greatest army of the world, at that time. The Spartans WERE the greatest army at that time. Have you seen "300"? Okay, never mind, the Spartans in that movie were a bit fruity. But take my word for it. The Spartans were the baddest as fighters in history, and the they could throw javelins FARTHER than the Colonial muskets could shoot. So yeah, we're talking a titanic ass-whupping.

PICK: Michigan State Spartans celebrate another illustrious victory.

---------------------

Well, that was violent. But there you have it, my sure-fire Bracket picks for the first round. I'll give more picks as the games are finished.

March Madness: Death Match-ups #1 West and South

2009-03-17T00:04:00.000-07:00

It's Bracket Time in America. Everyone has their different bracket methods, upset picks and dark horse winners. But I've got a surefire system that beats them all.

I do what I always do, imagine the two mascots forced to battle each other to the death and the winner advances. Here's a link to the game results, so you have all the mascots in one place.
http://apps.facebook.com/bracket/game/results
--------

First: The play-in game.

Alabama St Hornets-- VS Morehead St. Eagles
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2426
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=edishgehtue4c0cgjcod

On paper Eagles smoke Hornets any day. Especially the post-2005 logo. But look at the 2004 eagle. http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=6926 -- He's a mildly peeved anthropomorphic eagle wearing a sweater. He can't even fly as he has fists. And he actually looks more like a chicken than an eagle. But after looking at the logo, that's a pretty bad-ass hornet for Alabama State. Also, there's no frame of reference for the scale of the hornet. It may be one giant honkin' pissed off Hornet, we just don't know. And it's Hornets, plural. Imagine an entire flock of volvo sized killer bees.

Pick: I'm going Alabama State Hornets.
---------------------
WEST Brackets

Connecticut Huskies -- Chattanooga Mockingbirds
http://www.sportslogos.net/team.php?id=884
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2812

Once again on paper this is a blowout. A Husky is a big, bad-ass dog bred for endurance and toughness in extremely hostile environments. Sure the mascot, Jonathan is a little goofy looking, but there is no way a dog doesn't destroy the stupid bird. I mean, mockingbirds are those annoying birds that squawk for hours at four in the morning. It's doomsday for Scrappy the mock... until you see a picture of Scrappy. Sure, he's a doofy looking bird wearing a conductor's hat... but he's driving a friggin' EXPRESS train. So Jonathan the cute doggy shows up for a scheduled fight with an annoying bird when the damn Moc express rolls right over him.

PICK: Chattanooga Mocs in a stunning upset.
-----------------

BYU Cougars VS Texas A&M Aggies
Cougars Vs. Aggies
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=efnqkk2chj4wpq7qgjscsqgvx
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=4659

Cougars are pretty vicious animals, and they're known to take down an unwary jogger from time to time. Aggies are dudes that work in agriculture. They're tough and rugged and work below the poverty line. In other words, they're not taking any crap from a stinkin' cougar. Until you see the BYU Cougar mascot, Cosmo. He's like the Baskerville Hound of Cougars. He's vicious and mythic, and because Brigham Young prohibits pre-marital sex, drugs and alcohol, he's one horny, edgy cougar with pent up aggression. And the Aggies mascot is just a series of letters.

PICK: BYU Cougars -- Cosmo EATS the Aggies.
-----------------

Purdue boilermakers vs. Northern Iowa Panthers
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=v09xq9u6a1vi6k0xz1ku
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=zr0hqqrlg46nqej4fhhy

Hmm, Panthers are pretty vicious animals, but then again Boilermakers are trains. The latest logo is just a 'P', but their old one is an express train rolling down the tracks.

PICK: Purdue -- Trains flatten Panthers.
-----------------

Washington Huskies vs. Mississippi state Bulldogs
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=okb1uejzslieha7idphxcvc4i
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=guja9j41iaenkramphbih8x7r

Michael Vick's dream match-up, huskies versus bulldogs. The Washington Husky is named King Redoubt and is stoic and seems calm and collected before the big battle. Mississippi State's Bulldog has a big giant head and a sweater. Unless Bully the Bulldog falls and flattens the husky with his huge noggin, I'm confident in declaring King the winner.

PICK: Washington Huskies
-----------------
Marquette Golden Eagles VS. Utah St. Aggies
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=4701
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2708

Until 2003 Marquette had a racially insensitive Native American Warrior as it's mascot, but due to political correctness he's a boring eagle. Sure, Utah State is another Aggie... but this one is one tough mother of a Bull named Big Blue. Warriors used to kill bulls by the hundreds, but eagles don't.

PICK Utah State Aggies: Big Blue stomps the wussy eagle.
-----------------
Missouri Tigers Vs. Cornell Big Red
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=70yox0z4pkkwwedhxgo92kp9f
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2460

The Missouri Tiger looks pretty ferocious and Big Red is a stick of gum... Except this Big Red is one pissed off grizzly bear. I saw this match-up on some nature show. They showed computer recreation proving that Grizzly Bears beat Tigers.

PICK: Cornell Big Red (Andy Dinardo from "The Office" is cheering right now.) Bears pound the Tigers.
-----------------

Cal Golden Bears Vs. Maryland Terrapins
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2444
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2530

Although the Terrapin is a pretty tough looking turtle he's no match for Oski the Grizzly. Terrapins have tough Defense you say? Well a grizzly bear can apply thousands of pounds of pressure with his jaws. He'd crunch the puny turtle shell and slurp out the little reptile.

PICK: Cal Bear eats the Turtles.
-----------------
Memphis Tigers Vs. CSUN Matadors
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=ymg6zzr3uee9ey3favf3
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2445

That's a pretty bad-ass Tiger preparing to dunk the ball. But then again I have a soft spot in my heart for the local team, Cal State Northridge. And that Matador looks mean. Matadors have no fear.

PICK: I'll take CSUN and Matty The Matador in an upset.
-----------------
---------

SOUTH Brackets

North Carolina Tarheels VS. Radford Highlanders
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2682
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=7101

The old Tarheel mascot was a silly looking ram with a sweater. The new one looks meaner, with almost a satanic gleam in his eye. Whereas the Radford Highlander has a sword. I'm torn. But I'll take satanic Ram over awkward looking guy with a big sword, even if he is from Scotland.

PICK: North Carolina Satanic Rams.
-----------------
LSU Tigers Vs. Butler Bulldogs
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=j9i8ilec5itikt1tpooc4l6j4
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=6824

How unoriginal. More tigers and more bulldogs. I'm torn. I guess I'll have to go straight geography. Louisiana is mostly swampland. If there's a tiger living in that swamp he's going to be one ferocious hell-tiger.

PICK: LSU Hell-tiger wins in a coin-flip.
-----------------
Illinois Fighting Illini VS. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=4mfymzgg16oqkfh6q5h8
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=odrrmrhqss4csit21hj2vbeiz

Well the Illini is a Native American tribe. And they're just not regular Illini, they're fighting ones. And their logo is this stoic chief with a full headdress proving his venerable fighting skills and leadership. The hilltopper is a goofy red Grimace guy with a flag.

PICK: Illinois Illini scalp the Grimaces.
-----------------
Gonzaga Zags (Bulldogs) VS. Akron Zips
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=pxl1fzxrw8lbt04ci2mo4kk0p
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=dqgn58lf6tk45hwges1g3h5xg

Zags versus Zips -- who wins between the cutesy named mascots. Well, the Zags are actually bulldogs and Zips are kangaroos. Kangaroos hop fast and they're cute. However, the Gonzaga dog looks rabid and will never stop fighting after he scents blood. And anything called "A Zip" can't be good at fighting. It just can't.

PICK: Gonzaga -- A Bulldog advances. Finally.
-----------------
Arizona St. Sun Devils VS. Temple Owls
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=02rkd23qe4x6wu3ho6j5hjw9b
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2648

So we have a Devil, that burns with the heat of the sun. And an owl, albeit a royally pissed off looking owl. And it's from a Temple, sent down by Athena to fight for Truth and Wisdom. So it's a Holy Owl. Hmm, who knew this battle would have biblical implications? Well, the Sun Devil has a porn star mustache, which I usually appreciate but the Temple Owl mascot is not messing around. And I like Truth and Wisdom so I give the edge to the bird.

PICK: Temple -- I think the holy God-Owl beats the Sun Devil.
-----------------
Syracuse Orange VS. Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=hrne4j3j3enbhlendsvm
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=b800sj0ai8bqci9um5grhpcuh

Orange is a color, and the mascot looks like a lecherous beach ball. Whereas the Lumberjack mascot is a disembodied arm with an Axe of Vengeance. I think the mystical arm-axe chops the beach ball.

PICK: Stephen F. Austin (the most mundane University Name in all of America -- you know these guys have a feeling of inferiority.)
-----------------
Clemson Tigers VS. Michigan Wolverines
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2451
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=8rd8oxp15r6vf1zccmrf

Ugh, Tigers again. This logo is a gigantic tiger footprint. So it's probably like Godzilla, or the Lost Smoke Monster of Tigers. That's pretty awesome. A wolverine is a small but thoroughly vicious animal. But he's also an X-man with adamantium claws and a ridiculous healing factor.

PICK: Michigan Wolverines takes down the Epic Invisible Tiger in an X-man upset.
-----------------
Oklahoma Sooners VS. Morgan State Bears
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=bgjm4kyg4uq6l3og0grd
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=3mwzebmof3bzb6aamh7vcykao

The Sooners are pioneers who conquered the West. Bears got conquered as the Pioneers colonized.

PICK: Oklahoma Pioneers conquer the Bears, again.
----------
Coming soon: North and East match-ups.

World of Snail

2009-03-14T00:28:00.000-07:00

Snail’s view from across the pond

Idol’s Top 13 – Michael Jackson Night

It was clear from the start that tonight was going to be special. Lights were flashing on and off – the beats were pounding and the curtain went up to reveal The Four Judges in a manner that Earth, Wind And Fire would find inappropriately pompous.

For they are the stars of the show – not the poor saps who parade before America (and the rest of us) every week. I would like at this point to apologise to the USA for Simon Cowell. I know you think we are all like Hugh Grant, James Bond or Cary Grant – but some of us CAN say a flat ‘a’ sound. Most of us are polite and generous too. The edict we tend to live by is ‘don’t criticize unless you can do better yourself’. For the record, I CAN sing – but am too old and too ugly (and sensitive) to remotely consider entering a ‘talent’ show. Besides, ABBA night would freak me out.

Anyway – our top 13…

One thing our top 13 revealed tonight is how godawful Michael Jackson’s music is. Definitely a case of style over substance. He has sold 200 billion records and NONE to me. I did put 20p in a jukebox once to listen to Van Halen’s solo on ‘Beat It’, but that’s your lot. Expect a lot of key changes too.

First up was mother-of-three Lil Rounds who has three children. It’s a struggle being a mum of three children AND being a singer. Maybe she should have thought about that before humping like a trampoline during a hurricane. She chose a grotesque song: ‘The Way You Make Me Feel’ and postured her way though it in a cabaret style. ‘You knock me off my feet’ she sang. Hopefully she would land on her ‘booty’ and bounce back up. For the record I find her attractive, but she has three kids and I am not taking them on as well. Shudda kept them hidden.

Scott sang ‘Keep the Faith’ which was a turgid hymn. This guy is so wet he makes Randy Edelman look like Lemmy. He is dressed for battle and has even won medals by the look of it. Hi sister is ‘sight impaired’ too. He has my sympathy and seems like a sweet guy. No way will this guy win and he is NOT the genius we keep being told he is.

Gokey is seen at a party surrounded by dozens of hot chicks, all laughing at his madcap antics, and doesn’t he just love it! OK, I’m jealous as some of them were serious MILFS. I love the way the AI stylists colour coordinated his spectacles with his shirt. Nice. We Englishmen notice such things. He did ‘PMT’ and channelled the soul and spirit of Taylor Hicks, only without the sex appeal. And dignity. The judges loved it although I don’t know why.

Roughneck Sarver was up next and sang ‘You Are Not Alone’. His mother reminded me of one of those ‘True Movies’ were a housewife goes psychotic. Probably played by Meredith Baxter. But I digress. Paula though he was “instinctuall-ee” something or other. I was arguing with my children that Sarver could be the love-child of Steve Wilkos. They countered by saying that he looks nothing like Steve, to which I pointed out that he gets his looks from his mother. So there.

My concentration drifted during Jasmine’s ‘I’ll Be There’. My daughter was trying to name as many Premiership Football Managers as she could. Then I noticed that Jasmine’s mum was Donna Summer and her sister was Jordin Sparks. It freaked me out.

Kris Allen (who?) asked us if we ‘Remember The Time’. We were introduced to his wife and Simon said he should have kept her hidden. Probably remembers the kerfuffle over Cynthia Lennon. Maybe Simon would have been happier if ‘The Wife’ (I hate that objectifying expression) was blind and had been run over by a steamroller whilst trying to rescue a puppy or something. Clearly Simon saw Kris as having panty-wetting appeal. Clearly being a teenage trollop with a squalling brat isn’t a turn-off for a lot of guys too.

I love the way Randy announces that he is about to speak by bellowing “Yo”. I think everyone should do it.

Alison ‘40 Woodbines and a box of Swan’ boggled Pauler’s ‘mind’ whilst impersonating Pink singing ‘Give It To Me’ (or something like that). She didn’t change the gender of the song and came across like a ferociously predatory lesbian (is there nay other kind?). And she’s only 16! WOW! The judges thought she was a ‘rocker’. Yeah, a regular ‘Hell’s Angel’ isn’t she.

Anoop ‘Dog’ (how patronising is THAT!) always looks like his mum has got him ready: ‘always wear a tie and part your hair nicely. You will NEVER get a wife if you don’t listen to your mama etc’. ‘Beat It’ – terrible song choice and without Van Halen, not worth the five minutes of its existence. Anoop is a lovely lad but enough is enough. Go back to doing spelling bees and singing into hairbrushes. Please.

I like Jorge and I like his version of ‘Never Can Say Goodbye’. I also liked the way that he oozed the feminine sexuality of Minnie Riperton during his performance. When he cut out the melisma and sang the melody I enjoyed it. Liking the song helps, of course.

Megan’s mum is HOT! Phew! Me likee! Rockin’ Robin was dreadful. It has always been dreadful. It will be dreadful when I am but dust in the wind (hey, how about a Kansas night???). It reminded me of Lena Zavaroni. Look, if my references seem obscure to my USA friends, GOOGLE! Megan has a sleeve and a hot mum. Did I mention that her mum is HOT???

We got to see the Adam’s Family, all sat there clicking their fingers. Adam sang Duran Duran’s ‘Hungry Like The Wolf’ when it was rewritten as ‘Black And White’. He’s good and there’s no escaping it. Has the look of a winner which means he will be cut unexpectedly at a crucial stage in the ratings – I mean ‘competition’.

Pauler shouts: “Adam, take it all in!” I coughed.

Matt sang ‘Human Nature’ by Bruce Hornsby, which was good when sampled by SWV. I hate to say this but I thought Matt came across as rather classy. A better pianist and singer than Scott, but as Matt is not ‘visually impaired’ he will not be lauded as a ‘genius’. Pauler thinks he is ‘sexy’. Fair enough, but I don’t get the Robin/Timberlake (both manufactured tripe IMHO) comparisons at all. It’s like comparing Ray Charles with Lulu.

Finally we get Alexis (and secret baby). Singing ‘Dirty Diana’, I was reminded of the Rocky Horror Show’ with Mr T. I thought it was atrocious. As for being ‘sexy and naughty’ I think she looks like a 12 year old prosta-toot. She is so po-faced when she sings too. You can tell she spends hours in front of the mirror perfecting her WHGS (Whitney Houston Gob Snap): when you sing a loud note, mouth as wide open as possible, look all serious, and then snap your mouth shut with astonishing rapidity. It’s gotta hurt a little, and it really gets on my nerves. I really ought to chill out more.

I am a day or so behind here in Merry Old England so I look forward to the sensational new format, which will, no doubt, rock my world. Or not.

Toodle-pip!

Snail

From the VFTW Vault: Taylor Hicks Album Review

2009-03-09T23:00:00.000-07:00

I've had a few requests for these so I'm re-posting my old Idol album reviews from a couple years ago. I might do some more, because there is no shortage of horrible music produced and shat out by ex-Idols.

I've linked the songs on youtube to really bring you back to when Soul Patrol-mania was running wild. These videos are Taylor Hicks fans created, so it just adds another layer of awesomeness to the listening experience.

FROM THE VAULT:

GRADING THE IDOLS’ ALBUMS - Taylor Hicks - "Taylor Hicks"

[FROM 3-15-07]

Hello Class!

I’m happy to introduce a new feature on VoteForTheWorst. It’s my new “Grading the Idols’ Albums” project. Each week I will be listening to an album from a former Idol winner or Finalist, and will review the CD.

And joining me on this project are my esteemed colleagues Master Freech- Professor of Musicology, and Dean Kyle. My brother, Freech actually has a Master’s degree in Music Studies and has never seen American Idol. His opinions are unspoiled by knowledge of the singers. My friend Kyle is a casual viewer of the show, and of course I'm an American Idol aficianado, for entertainment purposes only.

TAYLOR HICKS – “TAYLOR HICKS.”

Cover: Taylor sittin’ in the studio with a psycho-death stare. (That probably didn’t help album sales.)

Theme: Always on the move.

Best song: Heaven knows. It borrows from Ray Charles and Smokey Robinson.

First person or Entity thanked in liner notes: God, then his whole family – including Crazy Uncle Zephyr who likes to get drunk and expose himself to tourists. (Okay, it doesn’t really thank Uncle Zephyr.)

Today we’ll review last year’s American Idol, and Vote For the Worst Champion - Taylor Hicks’ eponymous CD.

Kyle: “Wow, he’s that big a deal that he named the album after himself?”

Chan: “He’s the winner, so I guess he’s a big deal. Once we finish reviewing the winners we got a whole bunch of these CDs. Even that red-headed freak from season 2 put out an album.” [NOTE: WE STILL HAVE NOT LISTENED TO THE ALBUM FROM THAT RED-HEADED FREAK YET. MAYBE WE WILL. FINGERS CROSSED.]

Freech: “Jeez, what kind of masochists are we?”

Song Title: The Runaround

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57RiE1hCc-k

Sounds Like: A vanilla Billy Joel song, with a marching band drum open.

Sample Lyric: “I’m getting an A in Broken Hearts – I got my degree in Crying.”

Professor Chan: What kind of a man gets his degree in crying? I can expect that from Clay Aiken, but what were you thinking, Taylor? The marching drum intro gave me a headache, and we got 11 more songs to do.

Kyle: Is this song about going to school? It’s kind of a generic ode to love. Like telling a girl: “I love you.” But in a less clever way. And was Michael MacDonald busy when they were recording this?

Freech: This song makes me want to do the Kevin Bacon dance. But I don’t mean that in a good way. It definitely has that Footloose ‘80s feel to it. But again, not in a good way.

Professor Chan: The liner notes give Taylor a drumming credit on this song.

Freech: I actually liked the marching band drums, because after that, that’s when the pussyness kicks in.

Kyle: Taylor is giving us a whole new education of pussy.

Song Title: Dream Myself Awake.

[NOTE: I PICKED THE FRUITIEST VIDEO I COULD FIND THAT IS THE EPITOME OF WHO TAYLOR HICKS FANS ARE. AND VOTEFORTHEWORSTERS, too of course.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EUauDzgT_M

Sounds Like: A vanilla Aerosmith song.

Sample Lyric: “Do me wrong, Do me right, Do me anyway you want tonight.”

Kyle: Oh, gross. Song two and Taylor’s already forcing me to imagine him getting it on. What’s up with that porno chorus? What exactly does he want the girl to do to him?

Freech: What “girl?”

Professor Chan: Wow, in the song he rhymes ‘waiting’, ‘aching’ and ‘fading.’ I guess they rhyme, in that they all have two syllables.

Freech: At least “Crying” had the sense to rhyme ‘cryin’, ‘tryin’ and ‘dyin’. Those words actually do rhyme.

Professor Chan: Blame Rob Thomas. He wrote the lyrics to this one.

Kyle: Rob Thomas couldn’t have been all that inspired to work on a Taylor Hicks album. He just scribbled something on a napkin and that became this song.

Song Title: Heaven Knows

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiRkPqd6C5I

Sounds like: A vanilla Blues Brothers.

Sample Lyric: “I’m crying “How you say goodbye so easily? Why you take your lovin’ so far from me?”

Freech: Dammit, he’s crying again.

Professor Chan: The dude won American Idol, he should sack up and be happy.

Freech: It’s such bad phrasing. The singing doesn’t match the tempo. Taylor’s not even counting.

Professor Chan: The song starts off with a little Blues Brothers, then the melody is a direct lift from KT Tunstall’s “Suddenly I See.” This song is a Frankenstein’s monster made up of better parts. The liner notes say it samples Ray Charles and Smokey Robinson as well.

Freech: Why don’t they just do a Ray Charles song, then?

Kyle: Next!

Song Title: Gonna Move

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eO3qp6GXzoE

Sounds Like: A vanilla Stevie Wonder, if he was deaf as well as blind.

Sample Lyric: “I’m gonna move away from here. You can find me if you wanna go there.”

Professor Chan: It starts off with a cool Stevie Wonder funk groove.

Freech: You think the pussy isn’t coming, but fear not, as soon as the singing comes in it’s there. Once again, it’s horrible phrasing. It’s like he’s trying to do a cool jazz thing where he’s swinging the lyrics, but the words don’t all fit into the measure.

Kyle: I’m glad you didn’t say ‘singing.’ Taylor isn’t singing on any of these songs. He’s kind of talking at a bar, and the music is coming from a juke box.

Freech: A juke box playing elevator music.

Professor Chan: I say that if you listened to the first four bars of instrumental ass-kicking, then stopped the CD, you’d have a good song.

Song Title: Wherever I Lay My Hat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ra9LcWmU9c

Sounds Like: Taylor butchering a Marvin Gaye song.

Sample Lyric: “By the look in your eyes, I can tell you’re gonna cry. Is it over me?”

Professor Chan: More crying?

Freech: At least it’s not him crying this time. Any more of his girly whining and I’d have to kick his ass… except then he’d cry some more.

Kyle: He’s supposed to be a blues singer. Blues singers don’t cry, they suffer through their pain. Taylor’s just being a sissy.

Freech: The other theme of the album is that Taylor’s on the move again. Wherever I lay my hat is home. It sure ain’t Metallica.

Professor Chan: Seriously, though. Does any girl cry when Taylor leaves them?

Freech: Again, what “girl?”

Kyle: The song sounds like Rod Stewart’s “Forever Young.”

Professor Chan: Well, it was written by Marvin Gaye. So Rod probably stole it from Marvin.

Song Title: Give Me Tonight

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFn0KFA6vxs

Sounds Like: A vanilla version of Rolling Stones’ “Meet You.” The one that goes “doo-doo-DOO-ooh-doo-do-doo.

Sample Lyric: “There was magic in the air, I was trying not to stare, But you caught me, You caught me cold.”

Professor Chan: I like the part where the back-up singers kick in and it gets good.

Freech: Yeah, because Taylor’s not singing on those parts.

Kyle: Is this Genesis? Did Phil Collins turn in his crappy song for the Taylor Hicks project? Actually I like the back-up singers, too. If this wasn’t Taylor Hicks, this would probably be a decent song.

Song Title: Just To Feel That Way

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAm7tV8DT_4

Sounds Like: A vanilla Goo-Goo Dolls song (now THAT is vanilla)

Sample Lyric: “Can’t keep running in circles, I’m standing right here, Could you rewrite the story, But trade all the tears, Oh it’s not too late to feel that way.”

(We look at each other for 20 seconds of stunned silence at the crappiness of this song.)

Kyle: His voice has no character. It could be anybody singing on this song.

Professor Chan: Anybody with no range and washed out vocals.

Freech: No kidding. He’s got maybe an octave range. So all the melodies have two or three notes max. He can’t hit any high notes. That would at least break the monotony.

Kyle: Did they have naked pictures of Bob Seger to force him to sing this song? Taylor sounds like he’s asleep.

Professor Chan: Yeah, Taylor is definitely channeling Bob Seger. I liked when he was on Idol and he had his own personality.

Freech: Now he’s just shouting.

Professor Chan: This is easily the worst song on the album.

Freech: How can you tell? It’s like judging different gradations of crap.

Kyle: This song is more of a non-solid, smellier grade of crap.

Song Title: The Maze

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbP0KxsCVFY

Sounds Like: An uptempo vanilla boy band song.

Sample Lyric: “Shadows to the right, and to the left. I see myself and I’m not myself.”

Professor Chan: Wow, he rhymed “myself” and “myself.”

Freech: Hey, at least it does rhyme.

Kyle: This doesn’t sound like a Taylor song at all. It’s a disco dance track. All these songs sound like they’re meant for someone else.

Professor Chan: Do you think maybe American Idol was hedging their bets that Katharine McPhee would win, and they wrote all these songs for her?

Freech: There’s no right person to sing the shit on this album.

Song Title: Places I’ve Been

[NOTE: THE TORVILLE AND DEAN FREAK IS BACK!]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCnGKmRkmvo

Sounds Like: A less manly Bette Midler with piano song.

Sample Lyric: “All the places I’ve been meant nothing. They were nowhere, ‘cause you were not there.”

Kyle: This sounds like a crappy, warmed over Bette Midler song.

Professor Chan: (reads liner notes) Oh, of course. Diane Warren wrote it. She wrote for every terrible, boring singer in the last 20 years. She wrote that sucktacular Aerosmith Armageddon song. She wrote songs for Celine Deion, Michael Bolton… Milli Vanilla.

Kyle: Taylor’s on the move again. The theme of this album should be “I’m moving.” Why does he always have to be moving in his songs?

Song Title: Soul Thing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXf0QQ-ws5g

Sounds Like: A Taylor hicks original, minus the entertaining funny faces he makes.

Sample Lyric: “I’ve been traveling all these years, just barely getting by.”

Kyle: Again with the moving. If he’s not crying he’s on the road.

Freech: The song title is strongly ironic as there’s no soul on this entire album. A “soul” album with no soul. What is it then? Nothing?

Kyle: If I was black I’d be offended.

Professor Chan: This album is so lacking in soul that it turned into a vacuum and sucked itself out of being. The only proof that it ever existed was that I paid for it and I have a receipt.

Song Title: The Deal

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VEk8csX5s4&playnext_from=PL&feature=PlayList&p=38DE970F8EF8633D&playnext=1&index=15

Sounds Like: Instantly forgettable “soul” with the worst sax solo ever!

Sample Lyric: “Wherever you go, My heart’s bound to follow. Wherever you go, then I’ll be there.”

Freech: Taylor shows us how to stretch a four note range over 45 minutes of totally bland music.

Professor Chan: Yeah, have you noticed how every song starts with a four bar instrumental intro, then Taylor comes in and mumbles. Verse, chorus, rinse repeat. This whole album was written by the Pop-o-Matic songwriting machine. This song is actively struggling with the shoddy production values.

Freech: Once again Taylor isn’t even singing, he’s schizophrenically mumbling nonsense.

Kyle: Al Green just vomited.

Song Title: The Right Place

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s060bg5kjN8

Sounds Like: Slow, whiny love song.

Sample Lyric: “When you’re down on your luck, Well you just look around, you’ll see that you’ve come to the right place, baby.”

Kyle: He’s thankful that he finally found an apartment, so he’s in “The Right Place.” And he wants to thank God and his realtor.

Professor Chan: (reads liner notes) Oh man, Brian Adams wrote this song so of course it’s really, really good. (Said with lots of sarcasm)

Kyle: Hey, did Taylor just crack on a high note?

Freech: Probably. The engineers were too lazy to sweeten it. They said, aw screw it, nobody will make it to track twelve.

Professor Chan: Be happy for the small things. This could be the Wal-Mart version of the album. Then we’d have to suffer through “Do I Make You Proud” as a bonus track.

Kyle: Hey the song ends with the McDonald’s riff. I like McDonald’s.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Professor Chan: Hot damn, now we know why nobody is buying this album. It’s terrible. I mean, I didn’t expect it to be good, but at least maybe it would have a Joe Cocker cover or a funny-bad Eagles song. Wouldn’t it be awesome if Taylor sung “Desperado?” No, instead, this album is airbrushed, putrid crap. The producers are saying the album sales will continue to build, but based on what? All 600,000 people who bought this have to feel like I do.

Freech: You mean 600,000 morons bought this album?

Kyle: This album is for anybody who’s into songs about moving. But basically, if I had to sum up the album in one word, I’d say “ironic.” It’s a soul album with absolutely no soul. Taylor doesn’t sound natural on any of the songs. The album is completely bland, repetitive, soulless and just wrong. The album is incorrect.

Professor Chan: It only gets better from here. Next week we’re reviewing Clay Aiken’s first album.

Freech: I can’t do this any more. Count me out. This album actually caused me physical pain.

Professor Chan: Trust me, dude. We’ll rope you in, somehow.

-----------

So there you have it, the historic first Idol album review. Watching some of the live videos reminds me that Idol years are kind of like President years in terms of aging. So just like all Presidents age faster due to stress, Idol contestants age four times as fast after they LEAVE Idol.

From what I can tell The Idol Producers pitched in $82.25 for production albums and a bottle of Southern Comfort to entice Taylor into the studio for about an hour to record this album. Horrible production values, dubious songwriting talent working on the cheap (Kara Dioguardi has a songwriting credit), and the usual suck-ass Idol influences didn't help Taylor's career one iota. Now he's a joke to the Producers too, as Simon cracked a Taylor Hicks joke last week that drew big laughs from the peanut gallery.

Aw, Taylor, we still love you. I'll pay for your new CD when it comes out this month. You're our VFTW Champion, man.

--Chan

Troll Hall of Fame #3: Long John Silver

2009-03-09T15:34:00.000-07:00

Troll Hall of Fame #3: Long John Silver

Long John Silver is our first inductee from the world of literature. He made his debut in Robert Louis Stevenson's classic novel TREASURE ISLAND. The book is the most influential work of pirate literature of all time. Stevenson single-handedly invented several elements that have worked their way into pirate lore: treasure maps to buried pirate's treasure, peg legged pirates with parrots, and the song "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum."

Long John is an uncouth, unmannered pirate. Sure he shows his sensitive side with young Jim Hawkins but he redeems himself after kidnapping him later. He is also sinister, dastardly and possibly psychotic. He's the original one-legged pirate bad-ass. In the book, Silver is hiding out as the ship's cook, waiting to make his move to mutiny so they can use the ship to find Captain Flint's buried treasure hoard. Wait, they let this guy be the ship's cook in a pre-health code ship's kitchen? You know this dude never washes his hands.

I guess that's why the ship Hispaniola was known as Trychanosis Boat to the other pirates. We love Trolls, but you should never let them handle your raw meat.

Incidentally, that's Robert Newton as Long John Silver from the 1954 Disney version of TREASURE ISLAND. Newton's stirring portrayal is credited with inspiring the classic pirate phrases: "Arrh, mateys" and "shiver me timbers." Newton would also go on to play Blackbeard in a movie. These characters are like the Hamlet and King Lear of pirate roles.

Later in life Long John Silver opened up a chain of deep-fried fish franchises bearing his name. Occasionally he'll pop into one of his restaurants and take over the Fish Batter Master duties just to remind him of the good old days pirating and carousing on the high seas. Later, after falling into financial difficulty Long John licensed his name and physical likenesses to a porno actor.

So for inspiration and tireless work as ambassador promoting the Pirate Lifestyle we induct Long John Silver into the Troll Hall of Fame. Huzzah!

WORLD OF SNAIL: The Warriors - a movie for REAL MEN!

2009-03-08T03:51:00.000-07:00

I was watching The Warriors for roughly the 75th time. The magic was wearing a bit thin. The sheen on the little leather jerkins was losing its lustre when my wife said – “This movie, well, don’t you think it’s all a bit gay?” My jaw dropped. In one fell swoop the movie had been reborn. To say I began to see the whole shebang in a new light was a monumental understatement.

Even the dvd in the case garnered a warm and welcoming glow. I was sure that it may have been winking at me. I felt like Bobby Goldsboro in that song where he gets molested by a divorcee. I knew I would see the sun rise as a MAN.

The movie begins with all these scary gangs congregating in a park to hear a lecture from Disco Tex in a bad mood. All the most vicious gangs are there: The Bing Crosbys, The Dom DeLouises and The Horshacks being the most prominent.

After asking the assembled throng if they can count and then calling them ‘Suckers’, almost all those in attendance are in awe of Tex. In fact the only man there with any idea of what to do next is Luther from The Rogues. Having had enough of Tex’s posturing he decides to shoot him. He hits the bullseye despite being as high as a kite and psychotic to boot. Respect.

I like The Rogues. They think nothing of going into a sweet shop and taking a few chocolate bars without paying for them. Luther even shouts at the girl behind the counter in an unpleasant manner. Chilling…

Rembrandt’s skill as a tagger would humiliate a ten-year old. The fact that they nicknamed him ‘Rembrandt’ puts to bed the lie that Americans can’t grasp the concept of irony. Also many feel that Rembrandt is gay, simply because he doesn’t find The Lizzies particularly attractive. Awwww, come on – they are savagely plain, with their dreadful hair and terrible dress sense. Rembrandt isn’t gay, he is simply fussy.

The portrayal of womankind is this movie is moderately interesting. The Lizzies are clearly a group of inept homicidal lesbians with crimpers, Mercy is a belligerent nymphomaniacal idiot, and the DJ woman is merely a mouth spouting threats. Park Cop Lady is just a tease to ensnare young men in jerkins who are struggling with their sexuality. Speaking of which…

Following his arrest, Ajax was sent for counselling on his misogyny and homophobia. Having been forced to confront his feminine side, he now leads a fruitful life as one of our more enlightened members of society. He can often be seen on the Ricki Lake show. In the audience.

Swan and Rembrandt moved in together and set up their own designer leatherwear company. But they aren’t gay.

Me? I have formed my own gang: The Instow Traffic Lights. I am operating on a budget here, so my outfit is: green trousers, amber sweatshirt and a red hat. Like a traffic light see? I am the only member of the gang due to being one of the few in Instow (North Devon) under 80. I patrol my turf making sure that nobody wearing colours trespasses, and if they do, they gotta parley.

After a while it can be quite depressing looking for women to force myself upon and calling myself a faggot. I really have to go on a recruitment drive. Maybe put a card in the window of the local post office. That should do it.

Troll Hall of Fame #2: Diogenes of Sinope

2009-03-04T11:49:00.000-08:00

We're staying in Ancient Greece for our second Troll Hall of Fame inductee, Diogenes of Sinope.

For us "Troll" is a term of endearment. Our Troll Hall of Fame honors great men and women from history and literature who are uncouth, unshaved and unmannerly, but who are true originals, and who have had a profound affect on society despite playing by their own rules. Sure, they might drink a little... or a lot. But they have stamped their muddy footprints on the world's culture and history.

Diogenes of Sinope (412 BC - 323 BC) -- Diogenes is one of the founding fathers of Cynicism. Diogenes was known as "the Dog philosopher" because he likened his philosophy to that of living life like a dog. Diogenes held up the dog's life as a symbol of simplicity and virtue, a life free from anxiety. He believed that happiness was not tied to material wealth, and that society put too much emphasis on rigid customs, manners and material possessions. He proposed that to be truly happy you had to forego humanity's comforts and possessions.

In practice this meant that Diogenes lived in a tub by the side of the road, wandered around naked in public, bathed irregularly and ate grubby, beggarly scraps of food in the city marketplace. He also allegedly whacked off in public, peed on people that annoyed him, flipped off gawkers and once took a crap in the theatre. So he was also one of the world's first drama critics, too. Diogenes famously wandered the streets of Athens in daylight waving around a lantern, and when questioned why, explained: "I am looking for an honest man."

The most famous anecdote about Diogenes is that once Alexander The Great, conqueror of Greece, and the most powerful man in the West went looking for Diogenes to honor his philosophical greatness. Alexander found Diogenes sun-bathing in the road. He asked the philosopher: "I want to honor your greatness. Is there anything in the world I can give to you." "Yeah," grumbled Diogenes, "Get out of my sunlight."

Critics called Diogenes: "An obnoxious beggar and an offensive grouch." Yes, exactly. That's why we love him. And that's why he's now enshrined in the Troll Hall of Fame. Huzzah!

Troll Hall of Fame #1: Socrates

2009-03-03T12:51:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Troll Hall of Fame!

This is the inaugural post honoring great Trolls from history and literature.

For us "Troll" is a term of endearment. Our Troll Hall of Fame honors great men and women from history and literature who are a little uncouth, unshaven and unmannerly. They are true outsiders and original thinkers. Sure, they may drink a little, or a lot. And they don't always conform to society's rules of decorum. But they know how to have a good time. And they have stamped their muddy footprints on the world's culture and history.

Socrates (469 BC - 399 BC) -- Socrates lived and philosophized in Ancient Athens. Through his influential teachings of Plato, Socrates has become the Great, Great, Great Grandfather of Modern Philosophy. Socrates famously said that his wisdom was limited to an awareness of his own ignorance. He also famously said: "Pass the bacon." We wholeheartedly endorse both sentiments here at Mystery Club Adventures.

Socrates was a Troll triple-threat. He was a philosopher/glutton/Bad-ass. Socrates was an Athenian war hero, fighting in the battles of Potidaea, Delium and Amphipolis. He was cited for bravery when after the losing battle of Delium, Socrates kept his head and successfully led his retreating Athenian regiment to safety.

Socrates was fond of parties, and several of Plato's dialogues featuring Socrates took place at dinner parties. Since Socrates apparently never charged for his philosophical services, he was a freeloader, showing up and getting drunk on someone else's dime.

Socrates' philosophy was to emphasize self-reflection. He said man's higher ambition was to seek knowledge and virtue, and to achieve goodness. Socrates was famously put on trial for trying to corrupt the Athenian youths by teaching them free thought and to question authority.

He also famously suggested that only smart people (philosophers) were suited to lead the government.

Socrates led a life-long pursuit of truth, justice and free booze. Socrates is the Patron Saint of Trolls. Huzzah!

In Praise of Burn Notice

2009-02-27T22:43:00.000-08:00

I was an impressionable youth in the '80s, the golden age of action TV shows. It's been about two decades since the last great action show went off the air. Sure, there are deadly serious shows with action in them, like Lost, NCIS and 24, but there is only one show that is a direct descendant of the happy-go-lucky, action comedies like of yore, like The A-Team, McGuyver and Miami Vice. Okay Miami Vice was not very funny. But the cool style and professional attitude of the leads was an inspiration for Burn Notice.

Burn Notice plays like the bastard child of all three of those shows. But with a modern post- Jason Bourne approach to government, spy stories and technology. It is a tonge-in-cheek show with witty dialogue, that doesn't take itself too seriously. Every week Donovan re-jiggers some gadget, wires some explosives or explains spy technique in earnest voice over, McGuyver style. Donovan's always using cell phones as tracking/listening devices. He's taught us how to armor a car with phone books, and the best way to booby-trap your house. But on occasion Donovan brings the ass-kicking or gun-fu. Good stuff.

In case you don't know the hook, it's that Jeffrey Donovan a super-spy is "burned" by even higher up government agents. They took his identity, his money and his security clearance and dropped him deep in the heart of Miami. Sure, it's not the worst place to be, what with photogenic beach bunnies that wander past in slow-mo throughout every episode. But that's where Donovan's worrywort chain-smoking mom (played by Cagney and Lacy's Sharon Gless), his IRA ex-terrorist girlfriend (Gabrielle Anwar) and the always awesome Bruce Campbell as retired FBI agent Sam.

Bruce's Sam is decked out with cheap gold chains, a bevy of ugly Hawaiian shirts and borderline alcoholic tendencies. Bruce has remarkably good timing and comic instincts. I love Bruce and Donovan playing off each other like old spies bickering. It gives me pleasant memories of the give and take of B.A. and Murdock, or Crockett and Tubbs, or Michael Knight and his car. I love how they're old pros at espionage and counter-terrorism, and they're always improvising their way out of predicaments.

My favorite episode of the series was a nod to Die Hard with Donovan stopping a bank robbery as the lone good guy inside the bank. Some of his shenanigans included poisoning a robber with prescription meds, performing surgery on his wounded buddy with a pen-knife and hooking up a cell phone to the bank's internet router to foil the cell phone jamming device of the erstwhile robbers. It was pretty tense for a humorous show, and ten times more entertaining than ghost monsters and time travel on an island.

Unfortunately we're coming to the end of Season 2, so it's probably not the best time to jump onto the Burn Notice bandwagon. But if you're a fan of the show, then we'll have stuff to discuss in coming seasons.

--Chan

Random Observations

2009-02-27T20:14:00.000-08:00

So Stephan the bald, German jerk on Top Chef got jobbed. It was too bad, as he won everything else, but apparently a frozen brown banana on a stick isn't Top Chef-worthy.

What galls me about the win by the other bald, less talented chef, is that Hosea played the mediocre safe and boring strategy that wins Survivor every year. You know, don't make any waves. Fly under the radar. And pretend to get it on with an annoying chick so the producers will keep you on the show longer. Top Chef used to be better. It's still the best reality show on TV, but it's officially jumped the shark with this one. Sure, the Producers have to mix it up and make it "unpredictable" but by doing so you sacrifice the show's integrity.

The Top Chef should be the BEST Chef, not the Best Reality TV Strategy Chef.

When I create my own shows, I'll figure out a way to stop the assault of the mediocres.
------------------

So the Warriors didn't do anything at the trade deadline. In fact, they passed up a rumored Maggette and Williams back to the Clippers for Baron trade. Why did they do that? I guess Baron's act wore out and Maggette is more fun in the locker room. I don't know. People forget the Warriors won 48 games in the super challenging west last year with Baron. They were really, really close from... not sucking. I guess the Lakers would still beat them, but as a Warriors fans all we have are hopes and dreams, Rick Barry and the dim imaginings of an unstoppable legend named Wilt.

--Chan

Warriors make it official: They're in the Amar'e Stoudemire Sweepstakes!

2009-02-08T23:09:00.000-08:00

So The Warriors have thrown their collective hats into the ring for the Amar'e Stoudemire Sweepstakes, attempting to pull off the biggest Warriors trade since two years ago when they acquired Baron Davis. Here's the rub, the price would be Biedrins AND Monta.

That "seems reasonable" for a player of Stoudemire's calibre. Because you know, Super-Stars are frequently held to 4 points like what happened last week by the undersized Azuibuike when the Warriors stomped the Suns.

Biedrins AND Monta doesn't make sense. It's one or the other because the Warriors without either and Amar'e suck just as much as the Warriors with both. Phoenix WITH Stoudemire, Nash and Shaq are 28-21, clinging to the 8th seed in the West by their fingernails. [NOTE: I would love to see the 8th seed Suns get smashed by the dominating Lakers, and Kobe dunks all over the bloated, beast that is Shaq. Payback is a bitch, dude.] That's where the Warriors were last year, and we all know how that turned out. (48 wins and no playoffs in the ridiculously tough Western conference.) And the Warriors aren't even in contention this year. So this year is a waste, and that means they only get one full meaningful year of Stoudemire before he goes onto the free agent market. That's unacceptible.

But that's getting ahead of myself, the Warriors need to have something Phoenix wants. I'm dubious about this myself, but since it's more fun to speculate on possible trades than to look back on this dreary season.

Phoenix apparently wants expiring contracs, for salary cap space. The Warriors don't have that. But the point of salary cap space is to take that money and spend it on quality free agents. So the question is, assuming the Suns had cap space, would they spend it on a reasonably salaried Monta and Biedriens? Why not? They're young talented players that could be the building blocks of a franchise. That's what they are with the Warriors.

Would you rather have Monta and Biedrins or Jianlian, some dude named Ryan Anderson and whatever else the Nets are offering (a rumored deal)? Yeah, me too. So I think the deal is reasonable, but the Warriors would have to do better.

I've pointed out how awesome a Biedrins/Stoudemire teaming would be. Stoudemire by himself with this Warriors squad and still no point guard would equal about 20 wins next year in the West. Which is where the Warriors are at THIS year.

So for the deal to make sense for the Warriors it needs to be Monta, Turiaf (affordable back-up big man) and Randolph who comes off the books after next season. And if they want they can have Marcus Williams and his $1.2 mill expiring after this season.

I actually pulled this deal off in the ESPN trade machine, by throwing in Bellinelli to make the salaries work. So you KNOW it's a good deal.

--Channing

Return of the Ass-Kick Film Reviewer

2009-01-31T23:31:00.000-08:00

Greetings and Salutations.

Many long years ago I had a website, filmtroll.com where I reviewed action movies and what I call Ass-Kick Films. I currently write for the wonderful anti-American Idol Website Votefortheworst.com. As an avowed action movie fan, heavy metal acolyte and sports aficianado, my spending too much time watching and thinking about Idol has started to make me feel less than manly. Since writing about Idol has brought me many more readers than I ever did at Filmtroll I know what people like, namely Paula Abdul drunk jokes and explaining why singers A, B and C suck. But in order to keep my sanity I am announcing the Filmtroll's triumphant return to the internet.

What are Ass-Kick Films? Well, pull up a chair and sit for a while. Let me tell you.
-------------------------------------------

The Ass-Kick Film Beginnings.

Hollywood always had it's manly movie stars. Guys' guys that men admired and women swooned over. Clark Gable, Erroll Flynn, James Cagney. Manly dudes who made manly films, but were known to star in a lovey-dovey movie for women every once in a while, like Gone With The Wind and... Okay, not that many chick films, that's why I love those guys.

Then came John Wayne. The Duke built an entire film career starring in Westerns (the manliest of movie genres) and War Films (nearly as manly.) Movies for men and by men. In fact in the history of cinema no woman has ever purchased a ticket for a John Wayne film. True fact. Just a quick look at a list of John Wayne character names is a primer in manliness... Duke, Rusty, Quirt, Wedge, Genghis and Rooster. Can you name ANY modern actor that could pull of that resume? Can you name ANY modern actor that could pull off playing a guy named Duke, not once but SIX different times in six different movies? I didn't think so.
--------------------------------------------------

The '80s -- The Ass-Kick film glory years.

Skipping over 50 years of movie history to get to the gist of my history, I just want to mention some other Ass-Kick Film legends: Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson, Steve McQueen, Bruce Lee, Woody Strode, Robert Mitchum and Lee Marvin. There are many more, but I intend to discuss each of them in detail in the near future.

Anyhow, I point to 1982 as a banner year for Ass-Kick films. Sure the biggest hits featured a weepy alien, Dustin Hoffman in a dress and Big Dick Gere getting his ass handed to him by Louis Gossett Jr., but some of the milestone '80s action movies also premiered.

Rocky III -- Stallone getting his ass handed to him by Mr. T.
Star Trek II -- William Shatner getting his ass handed to him by Ricardo Montalban.
48 Hours -- First Cop Buddy film.
First Blood -- Manly survivalist Rambo whupping ass on redneck cops and David Caruso.
Firefox -- Clint flying a super fighter jet.
The Dark Crystal -- First Ass-Kicking Muppet film.
Tron -- First Ass-Kick Video Game film.
Quest for Fire -- First Ass-Kick Caveman Film.
The Road Warrior -- Greatest Post-Apocalyptic Ass-Kick film (and an all time great Ass-Kick film)
Blade Runner -- Man, this year was awesome.

Oh, and a little film that I consider one of the all-time great Ass-Kick Films... Conan The Barbarian. It's also the first starring role for the King of the '80s Ass-Kick Film... Ah-nold.

With Conan The Barbarian, Arnold Schwarzenegger started his reign of terror, bringing his brand of brawny ultra-violent thrillers that dominated the box office. He launched the era of Action Movies featuring any actor with muscles and an accent, and became the biggest movie star on the planet. But his influence was greater than that. Action movies began to stretch the boundaries of what violence was permitted in films. I'm no gore-fiend, but if a guy gets shot and you want the audience to feel any impact from the violence he needs to do more than clutch his chest and keel over.

Yeah, growing up in 1982 was pretty good.
---------------------------------------------------
The Downward Spiral of Ass-Kick Films.

During the '80s and '90s the action movie was the king of the box office. The top movie stars had names like Arnold, Sylvester, Jean-Claude and Chow. The biggest movies featured guns, manly dudes with guns, and other guys with guns shooting at the manly dudes. I was in hog heaven.

But in 1993 Something strange happened. Arnold made an action film and it flopped. Last Action Hero was Arnold's first box office disappointment after 10 years of nearly unbroken success. After that something in Arnold changed. Possibly sensing an end to his film career one day, and contemplating his run for public office in the near future Arnold stopped pushing the envelope of violent action in his action movies. Feeling the pressure to always outdo himself Arnold hit a wall. After 1993 he started doubting himself and taking on less adventurous scripts, and ironically this led to worse and worse films. The nadir of his career was the one-two punch of awful kiddie films Jingle All The Way and Batman and Robin. Suddenly Arnold was no longer invincible. In his next two films he embraced his Christianity (once again looking ahead to politics) and made the truly terrible double-bill of Christian Sci-Fi dreck, End of Days and The 6th Day. Then he got a face lift. He made an attempted return to form with Collateral Damage and Terminator 3 but his heart wasn't in it. And you know, that face lift thing kind of killed his manly credibility. Now he's Governor of my home state of Coll-ee-for-ya.

There was another earthquake that rocked the manly action film industry. In 1994 a movie featuring a fancy lad and a sassy, tough-talking chick who fall in love while riding the bus was the surprise hit of the year. Speed featured Keenu (misspelling intentional) as the "Action" hero who get this, disarms bombs. He doesn't SET them. To add further insult to injury, Keenu drives a bus and a sled, has trouble beating the fat, aged, one-armed Dennis Hopper in a fist fight AND Keenu doesn't shoot ANYBODY the entire film or visit a titty bar. What a crock.

The Wuss-Kick film was born.

Sure True Lies was still the #3 movie of 1994 raking in $146 million at the Box Office but Speed was not far behind with $121, and while True Lies also cost $115 mil, Speed's budget was a meager $30 mil. Yeah, anyone who could do math knew the days of Arnold's awesomness were numbered. The studio heads who earned billions of dollars by riding the brawny backs of the action movie stars asked themselves, "Why do we need to pay the Arnold's and Sylvester's of the world their $20 million asking fee when we can cast nancy-boys with shiny locks who make a fraction of the salary of the Big Guns?"

------------------------------------------
Rise of the Wuss-Kick Film

For some reason Hollywood Movie execs decided that they would screw up a perfect formula. "Men see movies. Men love action movies... Why don't we make action movies for GIRLS. We'll make even MORE money." Following on the heels of Speed were such Wuss-Kick film hits as:

Goldeneye -- Fey Irishman Pierce Brosnan is James Bond.
Waterworld -- Big Kev Costner has webbed feet, and drinks his own pee. And Dennis Hopper once again is supposed to be a threatening bad guy.
Bad Boys -- Will Smith and Martin Lawrence play bickering cops and life partners in Michael Bay's devastation of the Buddy Cop film.
Mission Impossible -- Tom Cruise pretends to be a superspy as he limp-wristedly slaps villains without mussing his perfect hair.

And the movie that signalled the end of the Manly Ass-Kick film as we know it:

Charlies Angels -- Because who better to kick ass than four foot tall Drew Barrymore and gawky dancer Cameron Diaz? Lucy Liu also deserves blame as an unbelievable action star, but gets a reprieve because of Kill Bill.
---------
The Return of The Ass-Kick film.

Which brings us up to the present. Despite Hollywood's best efforts, dudes didn't stop going to see movies, they just stopped going to see action movies. And for the most part they stopped making great Ass-Kick films. The permissiveness in violence that '80s action movies began continued in horror films, and that moribund genre returned with a vengeance. Now the #1 dude movies were torture-porn films like Saw. But I'm not a horror fan and Horror films provide a different emotional thrill than Ass-Kick films. A faceless, unstoppable killer picking off nubile teens is not really my idea of Ass-Kicking. A horror film where the victims fight back is kind of defeating it's own purpose. The heroes of horror films are supposed to die, not perform feats of courage and daring.

So where does that leave us? For a good chunk of the '00s, up to 2009 the action movie was subsumed into the revived and incredibly popular Comic Book movie genre. The heroes have powers, but they have weaknesses too, and they fight diabolical villains. In fact the point of most Comic Book movies IS the ass-kicking.

Notable New Breed of Ass-Kick films:

Lord of the Rings -- Fantasy Ass-Kicking, a direct descendent of the Conan films.
Matrix -- I know, Keenu kicks ass, finally. First Sci-Fi/kung fu/Ass-kick film.
Miami Vice -- Brutally violent, but awesome re-imagining of the '80s action TV show.
Bourne Identity -- I know, on paper it's hard to buy Matt Damon as a superspy kicking ass, but to quote The 40 Year Old Virgin "Y'know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but he's rocking the shit in this one!"
----------

The Future of Ass-Kick films.

2008 was a pretty good year for Ass-Kick films. Iron Man and The Dark Night brought the Comic Book movie to a new level of quality and popularity. The Wrestler was not just the best Ass-Kick drama of the year, it was the greatest wrestling movie of all time. Gran Torino features a septuagenarian Clint Eastwood still Kicking Ass. Kung Fu Panda was an Ass-Kick kiddie cartoon. Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace feature a rugged brute of a James Bond in Daniel Craig that harkens back to the hard-boiled Ass-Kicking spy of the Ian Fleming novels. The Inredible Hulk -- Okay, that one was pretty wussy. Hollywood still put out it's fair share of wuss-kick films... ahem, Twilight. But it showed that Ass-Kick films are still viable and are still getting made. Huzzah!

I was entertained by this week's Taken, an old-fashioned Ass-Kick film starring Liam Neeson. And I'm looking forward to The Watchmen, and I'm still trying to catch a screening of Pathfinder featuring Vikings vs. Aliens. I mean, Vikings versus Aliens... what's manlier than that?
---------------------------
Thanks for enduring my rambling dissertation and predilection for RANDOM capitaliztions and run-on sentences. That's just how I write.

So, I guess in summation.... I'm excited about movies again, and even more importantly I'm excited to write about them again. Now if you're excited about reading mey writing about them again, then we've got synergy.

Yeargh!!!

---Chan

Taken -- Ass-Kick Review

2009-01-31T01:47:00.000-08:00

ASS-KICK REVIEW – Taken

Taken is a nasty little thriller with modest ambitions and professional execution.
-----------------------------
Taken has many hallmarks of Ass-Kick B-Moviedom. 1) A generic but hard-nosed title. 2) A mid-January release date (the traditional dumping ground for the Hollywood studios.) 3) A long in the tooth 2nd tier star. 4) A twist on the traditional hard-boiled rescue plot. 5) Luc Besson’s name in the credits. That is not to say that all of those are BAD things. I love Ass-Kick B-movies.
-----------------------------
Let’s discuss these elements in order:

1) Taken –a pretty good but forgettable title. It’s a no nonsense thriller about a superspy hunting down his missing daughter on the mean streets of Paris. It’s definitely inspired by Frantic another Euro-thriller starring a long in the tooth FIRST tier star (Harrison Ford) playing a doctor looking for his missing wife on the mean streets of Paris. The key difference is that Frantic was directed by the legendary Roman Polanski. I’m not saying that Taken director Pierre Morel isn’t in the same league as Roman Polanski, but… okay, yeah I am saying that Pierre Morel isn’t in the same league as Roman Polanski. Far fewer statutory rape convictions, though.

A quick check at imdb shows that Pierre was the cinematographer on stylish but silly French action films like The Transporter starring Jason Statham, Unleashed AKA Danny The Dog starring Jet Li and War starring Jason Statham AND Jet Li. Taken is a better title and a better film than both of those, and much, MUCH better than District B-13 the futuristic parkour actioner that Pierre directed. District B-13 sounds like a city zoning regulation and its a strong contender for the worst film title of all time. I haven’t seen it yet, but if the title is any indication of film quality then Taken steals it’s girlfriend and kicks sand in it’s face.

2) Mid-January Release Date – Taken doesn’t have the budget or brand recognition of say Wolverine or Transformers 2 which are traditional big budget summer movies. I wouldn’t be surprised if Taken turns out to be better than both of those, but only time will tell.

3) The Long in the Tooth Star is Liam Neeson. I love Liam but he’s looking puffier these days and he has a really dubious haircut (bad dye job and fluttery bangs) that is distracting for most of the film. I prefer Ass-Kick heroes who have no use for hair-care products or better yet, have no hair. Liam is also 5 years removed from Batman Begins and 10 years removed from Star Wars 1. Like Harrison Ford he’s becoming less convincing as a bad-ass kill-master by the decade. Still, Liam has a strong presence and a no-B.S. acting approach that suits the material here.
[Note: For the worst action movie hair I have to nominate Straight-To-Video Steven Seagal who has a glued on triangular felt widow’s peak that makes him resemble The Count from Sesame Street. It’s just bizarre. Bonus mullet in this photo.]
http://www.abc.net.au/reslib/200708/r169359_633785.jpg

4) Plot – In a comically short time a teenage girl is kidnapped about four minutes after landing in Paris and Taken to some dank euro-dungeon where bad things will likely happen to her. Her dad, an Ex-Secret Government Agent will stop at nothing to rescue her from those rat-bastard Albanians that made her Taken. Yeah, that’s right, the Albanians are the villains this time. So it's the standard race against time rescue plot, but the treat of the movie is watching a highly-trained superspy karate-chopping scumbag Albanian dudes in their Adam’s apples. The Jason Bourne movies are another obvious influence in style and plotting.

5) Luc Besson started his career directing art-house thrillers and really earned his Ass-Kick gold stars with Le Femme Nikita and Leon The Professional. Since then he’s directed less frequently with crap like that terrible Joan Of Arc movie. No, not that one, the other one. And Arthur and the Invisibles. I didn’t see it, but it’s a kid’s movie about magical fairies or something. Needless to say that will continue to go unseen by me. Lately Luc has become the French Michael Bay, producing an endless stream of bad action movies. Any French movie with kung fu and guns and not featuring smoldering hot French babes smoking and talking about sex is probably Luc’s. Taken is one of his best films in years.

ASS-KICK EVALUATION: Taken definitely pays off it’s Ass-Kick premise with Liam as an unstoppable force mowing through armies of ugly Albanian dudes. I liked how he keeps collecting guns from his fallen opponents. However, for such a violent film it’s pretty bloodless. I guess the French sensors don’t mind how many guys you shoot or cripple, just don’t show any bloody consequences. Also, Liam is a little too unstoppable. He barely gets a scratch through most of the movie. He’s like The Terminator in a natty suit. There’s a perfunctory scene where Liam gets handcuffed and roughed up, but even that doesn’t phase him for long.

Also, I know this is going to come as a shock to fans of Ass-Kick films, but I’m not really impressed by car chases. Sure, once in a while one comes along that blows me away—Bullitt, French Connection, Batman Begins but for the most part they’re repetitive and predictable. Luc loves car chases, producing an entire movie series around them, Taxi 1,2,3,4. My Ass-Kick Philosophy doesn’t revel in twisting metal and broken glass, otherwise every Michael Bay film would be an instant classic. I'm more interested in the Ass-Kick emotion (the thrill sensation) and empathy for the characters in said car chase. Also the filmmakers didn’t have the budget so we don’t actually SEE much car-to-car contact, and there are two unconvincing and tension-free scenes with Liam driving up the wrong in traffic. Clearly they didn’t steal ENOUGH from the Jason Bourne movies.

There is one scene that damages the movie for me. There's a scene of Neeson torturing a criminal to get information that was uncomfortable for the wrong reasons. It’s justified in the story because Liam is running out of time and needs the information at all costs. But in a movie that’s pure escapism it's unsettling to root for our hero’s torturing skills. It’s just bad taste in this post-Guantanamo-War On Terror age, and in a film this silly and weightless it's not justified.

FINAL ANALYSIS: A modest, entertaining little thriller that shows what a good actor can do with a solid Ass-Kick premise. Steven Seagal would die for a premise this good. Expect him to star in “Taken to Kill” coming out sometime next week.

Warriors Need to Make a Big Move

2009-01-29T23:46:00.001-08:00

GREAT WARRIORS TRADE IDEA:

As an unapologetic Golden State Warriors Fan I need to vent. I had already written off this team a couple months ago, but after that embarrassing non-effort against Dallas I'm convinced it's time to make a move. Warriors have now lost 8 in a row on the road. They sputtered OFFENSIVELY and got molested by the Mavs on ESPN. Biedrins got outplayed by Eric 'Freaking' Dampier. Let me repeat. Eric "Doggin' it" DAMPIER.

If the rumors of Amare Stoudamire wanting out of Phoenix are the least bit true the Warriors need to say: "Here's our roster, who do you want?"

The deal makes so much sense for the Warriors. Amare's value is at it's lowest ebb. He's unhappy being the #2 or 3 option in Phoenix' Shaq oriented half-court ball. Amare's numbers are down. But he's only 27 years old. Just last year he averaged 25 and 9 in D'Antoni's run and gun system that is pretty similar to Nelson's. And Nelson loves a Center who can shoot a 20 food jumper. I don't know why, he just does. And Barbosa is rumored to be on the block as well.

The only player that the Warriors should keep is Biedrins. An Amare/Andres tandem at PF/C would be unstoppable offensively. The Warriors can only improve at rebounding. Sure, defensively they'd still be terrible, but what can you do?

Even if the Warriors had cap money in 2010 Oakland is a Free Agent wasteland. They're never going to sign a premier Free Agent unless they get a lot better. Stoudemire would make them a lot better and they won't have to cross their fingers and hope to sign him. They could open up the bank and RE-sign him as part of a rejuvenated Warriors line-up.

What would it take to get Amare and Barbosa? What do the Suns want? Monta Ellis playing with Steve Nash should be exciting. Sure, neither of them defends, but Ellis when healthy can hit the mid-range jumper as good as anyone in the league and the Suns want a shooter who could spell Nash a little at Point. Jackson is a playoff veteran who can play D when motivated. If he's not the focal point of your offense he's a valuable player. And he can handle backup point duties as well. So those two are the main pieces in the deal.

Flip a coin to see if Phoenix gets Wright or Randolph. They're the same player. So Phoenix would have a young tall guy to build towards the future. And then they can have their choice of Maggette, Azabuike or Crawford. Or they could mix and match those guys to make the salaries add up. Heck, throw in Turiaf if the Suns want a back-up big.

So in 2009-10 the Warriors have:
PG -- Barbosa/Unknown Free Agent/ or #1 draft pick.
SG -- Whoever is left over from Crawford/Maggette and Azabuike.
SF -- Wright or Randolph (whoever is left)
PF/C Biedrins and Stoudemire. They could play either position and back each other up. They play complementary positions because Biedrins doesn't clog the lane or demand the ball like Shaq-fu does in Phoenix.

Bench: Bellinelli, Azabuike, Morrow and Turiaf.

Amare wants to be the focal point of an offense and Nelson would accomodate him. He could lead the league in scoring. He would be the stud of the future with the Warriors and could be the Warriors first All-Star since... I've forgotten. (No, Baron missed the All-Star team both years in Oakland.)

Damn, it makes too much sense. No one reads this site but if Rowell is googling "Great Warrior trades" maybe we get lucky.

Since this is pretty much a fantasy trade I'd make similar deals for the likes of Elton Brand, Shawn Marion, or another player of note.

Best wishes
--Chan

Greetings and Salutations

2008-07-30T00:50:00.000-07:00

This is the inaugural post for the Mystery Club Adventures.

Who are we? We are the Mystery Club, and we go on Adventures. Join us for all our adventures.

You will find unique thoughts on Action Movies, TV, pop culture and The Golden State Warriors.

--Chan