WORLD OF SNAIL: The Warriors - a movie for REAL MEN!

I was watching The Warriors for roughly the 75th time. The magic was wearing a bit thin. The sheen on the little leather jerkins was losing its lustre when my wife said – “This movie, well, don’t you think it’s all a bit gay?” My jaw dropped. In one fell swoop the movie had been reborn. To say I began to see the whole shebang in a new light was a monumental understatement.

Even the dvd in the case garnered a warm and welcoming glow. I was sure that it may have been winking at me. I felt like Bobby Goldsboro in that song where he gets molested by a divorcee. I knew I would see the sun rise as a MAN.

The movie begins with all these scary gangs congregating in a park to hear a lecture from Disco Tex in a bad mood. All the most vicious gangs are there: The Bing Crosbys, The Dom DeLouises and The Horshacks being the most prominent.

After asking the assembled throng if they can count and then calling them ‘Suckers’, almost all those in attendance are in awe of Tex. In fact the only man there with any idea of what to do next is Luther from The Rogues. Having had enough of Tex’s posturing he decides to shoot him. He hits the bullseye despite being as high as a kite and psychotic to boot. Respect.

I like The Rogues. They think nothing of going into a sweet shop and taking a few chocolate bars without paying for them. Luther even shouts at the girl behind the counter in an unpleasant manner. Chilling…

Rembrandt’s skill as a tagger would humiliate a ten-year old. The fact that they nicknamed him ‘Rembrandt’ puts to bed the lie that Americans can’t grasp the concept of irony. Also many feel that Rembrandt is gay, simply because he doesn’t find The Lizzies particularly attractive. Awwww, come on – they are savagely plain, with their dreadful hair and terrible dress sense. Rembrandt isn’t gay, he is simply fussy.

The portrayal of womankind is this movie is moderately interesting. The Lizzies are clearly a group of inept homicidal lesbians with crimpers, Mercy is a belligerent nymphomaniacal idiot, and the DJ woman is merely a mouth spouting threats. Park Cop Lady is just a tease to ensnare young men in jerkins who are struggling with their sexuality. Speaking of which…

Following his arrest, Ajax was sent for counselling on his misogyny and homophobia. Having been forced to confront his feminine side, he now leads a fruitful life as one of our more enlightened members of society. He can often be seen on the Ricki Lake show. In the audience.

Swan and Rembrandt moved in together and set up their own designer leatherwear company. But they aren’t gay.

Me? I have formed my own gang: The Instow Traffic Lights. I am operating on a budget here, so my outfit is: green trousers, amber sweatshirt and a red hat. Like a traffic light see? I am the only member of the gang due to being one of the few in Instow (North Devon) under 80. I patrol my turf making sure that nobody wearing colours trespasses, and if they do, they gotta parley.

After a while it can be quite depressing looking for women to force myself upon and calling myself a faggot. I really have to go on a recruitment drive. Maybe put a card in the window of the local post office. That should do it.