Sweet Sixteen Update: Death Match-ups #3

So, my mascot fighting system was an abject failure. Ultimately I didn't take into account the fact that some teams suck despite how good their school's mascots are. I guess I'll have to take that into account from now on. I also underestimated the awesomeness of 7 foot tall anthropomorphic Cardinals with hands. So Louisville... I'm impressed.

Anyhow, I'm going to play this joke until it is killed in it's own death match.
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SWEET 16

Louisville 7 Foot Tall Bad-Ass Anthropomorphic Cardinals VS. Arizona Wildcats.

Come on, they're 7 Foot Tall Pissed-off Cardinals. Of course they win.
PICK: Louisville Cardinals
---------------------------

Kansas Jayhawks VS. Michigan State Spartans

Well, they're still Spartans, the toughest survivalist soldiers in the history of the world. And they're playing against dopey blue birds.

PICK: Michigan State Spartans
---------------------------

UCONN Huskies VS. Purdue Boilermakers

UCONNs are doofy looking dogs fighting trains. Since the doofy looking dogs already beat a freaking Mockingbird driving a train, a plain old human conductor driving a train should be no problem.

PICK: UCONN Huskies.
---------------------------

Missouri Tigers VS. Memphis Tigers

They're both Tigers. Can I call it a draw? No? I'll go with the Memphis ones, just to be a contrarian.

Pick: Missouri Tigers
---------------------------

UNC Tarheels VS. Gonzaga Zags
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2882
I love the bad-ass angry Rams in this one. The Bulldogs are pretty mean looking, as far as college bulldog mascots go. But Satanic Rams have what look like stainless steel horns coming out of their heads. And they're angry. Awesome.

PICK: UNC
---------------------------

Villanova Wildcats VS. Duke Blue Devils
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=jgoyj6fi8dtvi588jrig4qgi2
They're satanic and they have command of sheets of blue fire and they have tridents. Wildcats are just mean and crazy. I have to go with the Satan's ability to field great college basketball teams.

PICK: Duke
---------------------------

Pittsburgh Panthers VS. Xavier Musketeers

These particular Musketeers took down Vikings. So they're proven bad-asses. And they have swords AND guns. I think they can beat a batch of panthers.

PICK: Xavier Musketeers

-------------------------
Oklahoma Sooners VS. Syracuse Orange

I will continue to take the field against a random color and a beach-ball headed guy in a sweater. In this case we're talking about tough-as-nails settlers versus beach-ball heads.

PICK: Oklahoma
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Final 4 Predictions -- Based purely on awesome Mascots I have to go Huskies, UNC, Musketeers and just because they're Spartans... The Spartans.

March Madness #2: Death Match-ups

Part 2 of my Epic Bracket Picking blog. My strategy is simple. I imagine the two school mascots forced to fight to the death, and the survivor advances.

EAST
-----------

Pittsburgh Panthers Vs. East Tennessee State Buccaneers
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=igyojg3c2bf08733gjdr
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=owio3y4h4szsggcffns5s9g1i

Well the Pittsburgh Panther is definitely a threatening beast. He's not nearly as scary as the jacked-up rabid-looking Prairie View A&M Mutant Panther
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=z9mz71y9o9qln237fdrr
And the Buccaneer is wearing earrings, and he's blue. Is he a ghost pirate like from "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie? I could see those guys taking on rabid, mutant panthers and winning. This guy has a pretty nice fu manchu mustache, and he looks evil. And buccaneers are heavily armed. But I feel if faced with the prospect of a hissing and spitting Psycho-Panther I imagine he's wetting himself and getting run down by the giant cat and turned into kitty chow.

PICK: Pittsburgh Panthers eat the Buccaneers.
--------------------------------
Oklahoma St. Cowboys Vs. Tennessee Volunteers
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2557
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=fykdagaz4o5dd5pmz68dekym9

The Volunteers used to be a Woodsman in coonskin cap and musket. Now he's a mildly peeved dog named Smokey. The Cowboy on the other hand looks pretty ornery and probably drunk. I would've taken the Woodsman over the Cowboy based on sheer toughness, but I have to take the Drunken Cowboy to abuse the Dog here.

PICK: Oklahoma State Cowboys
-----------------------------
Florida State Seminoles VS. Wisconsin Badgers
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=seqwwgbjf0ihqeeu7w8i95s5g
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2730

I admit Badgers are under-rated in terms of ferocity, but this guy is a mildly irked Badger in a stupid striped sweater. The Seminoles fought the entire U.S. Army to a standstill for 10 years in the swamps. I don't think he's going to be afraid of no stinkin' badgers. (sorry)

PICK: Florida State Seminoles make furry mittens out of Badger hides.
----------------------

Xavier Musketeers Vs. Portland State Vikings
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=gu91r3bdgxhl86grimwxcplcz
http://www.sportslogos.net/team.php?id=805

Hmm, this is a battle of impressionist logos. A sword versus a faceless green lightning bolt with a bull horn. Man, this is a tough one. I love Vikings and Musketeers. If someone was holding the sword I'd feel more confident. And if the green blur had a weapon I'd say it would be a walkover. Well, he'd need legs too. Vikings had psychotic rage and ferocity. Musketeers had discipline and guns. However they're only one shot guns, so after the initial volley the Vikings would rush the Musketeers and flatten them.

PICK: Portland State Vikings in a bloodbath.
-------------------

UCLA Bruins Vs. Virginia Commonwealth Rams
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2672
http://www.sportslogos.net/team.php?id=899

I think normal looking bears would beat normal looking rams pretty easily. But this is a goofy looking 1970's Grateful Dead Mascot looking Bear, and these are some pissed off Rams. Still I don't think the Ram could really hurt the Bear, and after the Bruin came down from his stoner high he'd get the munchies.

PICK: UCLA Bruin eats the Ram.
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Villanova Wildcats Vs. American University Eagles
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=7133
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=6814

That's a pretty wild looking Wildcat. And American University has ditched the actual eagle as a mascot in favor of letters. I'd normally take the psychotic Wildcat pretty quickly, but we're talking about the AMERICAN Eagle. I don't want to come off as un-patriotic... but.

PICK: Villanova Wildcats... That's a pretty ferocious looking Wildcat.

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Texas Longhorns Vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=lmlfr6dq6nw9z6ughm66
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=bi3fnohutcve3yvj2c7ive4hv

Well you have a 3,000 pound steer with four foot long horns... and then we have a gopher. Albeit a GOLDEN one. I don't know what the Gopher could do to the Steer, except maybe dig a hole and hope the Longhorn trips over it. But then what. You still have a 3,000 pound side of beef falling on you. Sure the mascot logo is wearing a goofy cowboy hat, but exactly how did he get a hat on his head? If the Minnesota Gopher was the least threatening, and showed any sort of fighting skills I could see a little bit of a fight. But no, he's smugly grinning and wearing a stupid sweater.

PICK: Bevo the Longhorn tramples a whole army of smug little Gopher bastards by himself.
-----------------

Duke Blue Devils Vs. Binghamton Bearcats
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=jgoyj6fi8dtvi588jrig4qgi2
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=en1hgarfy3007o2ex50cizx1p

The Blue Devil mascot is universally recognizable from winning so many basketball championships, but this alternate version is frightening. What with his trident, his shield of blue fire and his pointy little devil shoes. This Blue Devil is ready for business. You'd think it would be a walk-over but then you see the Binghampton Bearcat. He looks like a hell-spawn cat arriving from some dark abyss. And he's part BEAR!!! The horrors. Still, we're talking about a spawn of the devil versus an ACTUAL Devil. Which is more evil?

PICK: Duke Blue Devils tame the Bearcats, but it's a close one.
------------------------
MIDWEST BRACKET

Louisville Cardinals Vs. (My Pick) Hornets
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2844

Granted we're talking about Cadillac-sized Hornets versus really mad Cardinals with teeth, who can dunk a basketball. But if the bird can dunk a basketball then it's a 7 foot tall evolved Cardinal with hands and tennis shoes. And a 7 foot tall evolved Cardinal could probably take apart a giant, angry Hornet.

PICK: Louisville 7 Foot Tall Dunking Evolved Cardinals.
-----------------
Ohio State Buckeyes VS. Siena Saints
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=ee23pfg91xeioyrppayw
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=3336kgxl1jzfvrzh423fldmyo

What is a Buckeye? Aren't they those gall balls that fall off oak trees? They're not even sentient animals. And Saints. Well, a Saint would probably lose to a 3 year old girl in any sort of fight. I mean, they're saints, they're non-violent, right? And they're dead. Otherwise you can't become a Saint. But actually they're represented by a fairly agressive Saint Bernard. And the Buckeye... he's just sad.

PICK: Siena Saint Bernards play fetch with the Buckeyes.
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Utah Utes Vs. Arizona Wildcats
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=f59mntuxy6z31v0gapgueoyg2
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=7298

The Utes mascot doesn't give me much to work with. But I know the Utes were a Plains tribe that lived in an unforgiving wilderness. Wildcats also live in an unforgiving wilderness foraging for food. Unfortunately the Utes forage for Wildcats.

PICK The Utah Utes will decorate their tee-pees with Wildcat skulls.
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Wake Forest Demon Deacons Vs. Cleveland State Vikings
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=57d0636amp37lzzflha29tyha
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=kwthyzx2swpnggefwaidm12f2

I know, the Deacon is a crazed old man in a top hat while a Viking is one of the baddest dudes on the planet. However, the Demon Deacon has Satanic powers only hinted at by the mascot. And the Cleveland State Viking is shyly hiding behind the school logo.

PICK: Wake Forest Demon Deacons over the timid Vikings.

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West Virginia Mountaineers Vs. Dayton Flyers
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=4eb98glouqbreir8f1frfbfez
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=6867

Great, two mascots that don't give me much to work with. Well, anyone who lives in the hills of West Virginia must be pretty tough, what with all the deranged hillbillies running around... oh wait, now I get it. The Mountaineers ARE the deranged hillbillies. And The Flyers... um. Fly? The Flyers could fly OVER the mountain pretty easily, but Deranged Hillbillies looking for Moonshine would eventually hunt them down and skin 'em alive.

PICK: West Virginia Deranged Moonshine-lovin' Mountaineers.

Kansas Jayhaws Vs. North Dakota State Bisons
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=t96oee4doe8n2oxaft7f
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2551

The Kansas Jayhawk is a mutant-hybrid bird of a bluejay and a sparrow hawk. While the Bison is 3,000 pounds of fury and hungry herbivore. The real Jayhawks were militant abolitionists who were pretty tough and violent. However, the Jayhawk mascot is a goofy-looking bird in a sweater. And the Bison... he just looks pissed.

PICK: North Dakota State Bisons.
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Boston College Terriers Vs. USC Trojans
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=71v3tk2fyob03vry9halsekcg
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=y8ri08olp3dshhbzezrs

Well, the Trojans are famous for LOSING a war and the Terriers... okay. They're dogs. They're really cute dogs wearing sweaters that have no chance against a seasoned army of Trojans.

UPDATE: So I made a boo-boo. Apparently Boston College mascot are Eagles. They lost.

PICK: USC Trojans in a laugher.
------------------------------
Michigan State Spartans Vs. Robert Morris Colonials
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=fw2f89syje0hf2clevi4
http://www.sportslogos.net/team.php?id=816

We have the battle of soldiers. While the Colonials are armed with muskets, and fought a war of attrition against the greatest army of the world, at that time. The Spartans WERE the greatest army at that time. Have you seen "300"? Okay, never mind, the Spartans in that movie were a bit fruity. But take my word for it. The Spartans were the baddest as fighters in history, and the they could throw javelins FARTHER than the Colonial muskets could shoot. So yeah, we're talking a titanic ass-whupping.

PICK: Michigan State Spartans celebrate another illustrious victory.

---------------------

Well, that was violent. But there you have it, my sure-fire Bracket picks for the first round. I'll give more picks as the games are finished.

March Madness: Death Match-ups #1 West and South

It's Bracket Time in America. Everyone has their different bracket methods, upset picks and dark horse winners. But I've got a surefire system that beats them all.

I do what I always do, imagine the two mascots forced to battle each other to the death and the winner advances. Here's a link to the game results, so you have all the mascots in one place.
http://apps.facebook.com/bracket/game/results
--------

First: The play-in game.

Alabama St Hornets-- VS Morehead St. Eagles
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2426
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=edishgehtue4c0cgjcod

On paper Eagles smoke Hornets any day. Especially the post-2005 logo. But look at the 2004 eagle. http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=6926 -- He's a mildly peeved anthropomorphic eagle wearing a sweater. He can't even fly as he has fists. And he actually looks more like a chicken than an eagle. But after looking at the logo, that's a pretty bad-ass hornet for Alabama State. Also, there's no frame of reference for the scale of the hornet. It may be one giant honkin' pissed off Hornet, we just don't know. And it's Hornets, plural. Imagine an entire flock of volvo sized killer bees.

Pick: I'm going Alabama State Hornets.
---------------------
WEST Brackets

Connecticut Huskies -- Chattanooga Mockingbirds
http://www.sportslogos.net/team.php?id=884
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2812

Once again on paper this is a blowout. A Husky is a big, bad-ass dog bred for endurance and toughness in extremely hostile environments. Sure the mascot, Jonathan is a little goofy looking, but there is no way a dog doesn't destroy the stupid bird. I mean, mockingbirds are those annoying birds that squawk for hours at four in the morning. It's doomsday for Scrappy the mock... until you see a picture of Scrappy. Sure, he's a doofy looking bird wearing a conductor's hat... but he's driving a friggin' EXPRESS train. So Jonathan the cute doggy shows up for a scheduled fight with an annoying bird when the damn Moc express rolls right over him.

PICK: Chattanooga Mocs in a stunning upset.
-----------------

BYU Cougars VS Texas A&M Aggies
Cougars Vs. Aggies
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=efnqkk2chj4wpq7qgjscsqgvx
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=4659

Cougars are pretty vicious animals, and they're known to take down an unwary jogger from time to time. Aggies are dudes that work in agriculture. They're tough and rugged and work below the poverty line. In other words, they're not taking any crap from a stinkin' cougar. Until you see the BYU Cougar mascot, Cosmo. He's like the Baskerville Hound of Cougars. He's vicious and mythic, and because Brigham Young prohibits pre-marital sex, drugs and alcohol, he's one horny, edgy cougar with pent up aggression. And the Aggies mascot is just a series of letters.

PICK: BYU Cougars -- Cosmo EATS the Aggies.
-----------------

Purdue boilermakers vs. Northern Iowa Panthers
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=v09xq9u6a1vi6k0xz1ku
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=zr0hqqrlg46nqej4fhhy

Hmm, Panthers are pretty vicious animals, but then again Boilermakers are trains. The latest logo is just a 'P', but their old one is an express train rolling down the tracks.

PICK: Purdue -- Trains flatten Panthers.
-----------------

Washington Huskies vs. Mississippi state Bulldogs
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=okb1uejzslieha7idphxcvc4i
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=guja9j41iaenkramphbih8x7r

Michael Vick's dream match-up, huskies versus bulldogs. The Washington Husky is named King Redoubt and is stoic and seems calm and collected before the big battle. Mississippi State's Bulldog has a big giant head and a sweater. Unless Bully the Bulldog falls and flattens the husky with his huge noggin, I'm confident in declaring King the winner.

PICK: Washington Huskies
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Marquette Golden Eagles VS. Utah St. Aggies
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=4701
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2708

Until 2003 Marquette had a racially insensitive Native American Warrior as it's mascot, but due to political correctness he's a boring eagle. Sure, Utah State is another Aggie... but this one is one tough mother of a Bull named Big Blue. Warriors used to kill bulls by the hundreds, but eagles don't.

PICK Utah State Aggies: Big Blue stomps the wussy eagle.
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Missouri Tigers Vs. Cornell Big Red
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=70yox0z4pkkwwedhxgo92kp9f
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2460

The Missouri Tiger looks pretty ferocious and Big Red is a stick of gum... Except this Big Red is one pissed off grizzly bear. I saw this match-up on some nature show. They showed computer recreation proving that Grizzly Bears beat Tigers.

PICK: Cornell Big Red (Andy Dinardo from "The Office" is cheering right now.) Bears pound the Tigers.
-----------------

Cal Golden Bears Vs. Maryland Terrapins
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2444
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2530

Although the Terrapin is a pretty tough looking turtle he's no match for Oski the Grizzly. Terrapins have tough Defense you say? Well a grizzly bear can apply thousands of pounds of pressure with his jaws. He'd crunch the puny turtle shell and slurp out the little reptile.

PICK: Cal Bear eats the Turtles.
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Memphis Tigers Vs. CSUN Matadors
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=ymg6zzr3uee9ey3favf3
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2445

That's a pretty bad-ass Tiger preparing to dunk the ball. But then again I have a soft spot in my heart for the local team, Cal State Northridge. And that Matador looks mean. Matadors have no fear.

PICK: I'll take CSUN and Matty The Matador in an upset.
-----------------
---------

SOUTH Brackets

North Carolina Tarheels VS. Radford Highlanders
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2682
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=7101

The old Tarheel mascot was a silly looking ram with a sweater. The new one looks meaner, with almost a satanic gleam in his eye. Whereas the Radford Highlander has a sword. I'm torn. But I'll take satanic Ram over awkward looking guy with a big sword, even if he is from Scotland.

PICK: North Carolina Satanic Rams.
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LSU Tigers Vs. Butler Bulldogs
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=j9i8ilec5itikt1tpooc4l6j4
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=6824

How unoriginal. More tigers and more bulldogs. I'm torn. I guess I'll have to go straight geography. Louisiana is mostly swampland. If there's a tiger living in that swamp he's going to be one ferocious hell-tiger.

PICK: LSU Hell-tiger wins in a coin-flip.
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Illinois Fighting Illini VS. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=4mfymzgg16oqkfh6q5h8
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=odrrmrhqss4csit21hj2vbeiz

Well the Illini is a Native American tribe. And they're just not regular Illini, they're fighting ones. And their logo is this stoic chief with a full headdress proving his venerable fighting skills and leadership. The hilltopper is a goofy red Grimace guy with a flag.

PICK: Illinois Illini scalp the Grimaces.
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Gonzaga Zags (Bulldogs) VS. Akron Zips
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=pxl1fzxrw8lbt04ci2mo4kk0p
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=dqgn58lf6tk45hwges1g3h5xg

Zags versus Zips -- who wins between the cutesy named mascots. Well, the Zags are actually bulldogs and Zips are kangaroos. Kangaroos hop fast and they're cute. However, the Gonzaga dog looks rabid and will never stop fighting after he scents blood. And anything called "A Zip" can't be good at fighting. It just can't.

PICK: Gonzaga -- A Bulldog advances. Finally.
-----------------
Arizona St. Sun Devils VS. Temple Owls
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=02rkd23qe4x6wu3ho6j5hjw9b
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2648

So we have a Devil, that burns with the heat of the sun. And an owl, albeit a royally pissed off looking owl. And it's from a Temple, sent down by Athena to fight for Truth and Wisdom. So it's a Holy Owl. Hmm, who knew this battle would have biblical implications? Well, the Sun Devil has a porn star mustache, which I usually appreciate but the Temple Owl mascot is not messing around. And I like Truth and Wisdom so I give the edge to the bird.

PICK: Temple -- I think the holy God-Owl beats the Sun Devil.
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Syracuse Orange VS. Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=hrne4j3j3enbhlendsvm
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=b800sj0ai8bqci9um5grhpcuh

Orange is a color, and the mascot looks like a lecherous beach ball. Whereas the Lumberjack mascot is a disembodied arm with an Axe of Vengeance. I think the mystical arm-axe chops the beach ball.

PICK: Stephen F. Austin (the most mundane University Name in all of America -- you know these guys have a feeling of inferiority.)
-----------------
Clemson Tigers VS. Michigan Wolverines
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=2451
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=8rd8oxp15r6vf1zccmrf

Ugh, Tigers again. This logo is a gigantic tiger footprint. So it's probably like Godzilla, or the Lost Smoke Monster of Tigers. That's pretty awesome. A wolverine is a small but thoroughly vicious animal. But he's also an X-man with adamantium claws and a ridiculous healing factor.

PICK: Michigan Wolverines takes down the Epic Invisible Tiger in an X-man upset.
-----------------
Oklahoma Sooners VS. Morgan State Bears
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=bgjm4kyg4uq6l3og0grd
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=3mwzebmof3bzb6aamh7vcykao

The Sooners are pioneers who conquered the West. Bears got conquered as the Pioneers colonized.

PICK: Oklahoma Pioneers conquer the Bears, again.
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Coming soon: North and East match-ups.