Tuesday, March 17

March Madness: Death Match-ups #1 West and South

It's Bracket Time in America. Everyone has their different bracket methods, upset picks and dark horse winners. But I've got a surefire system that beats them all.

I do what I always do, imagine the two mascots forced to battle each other to the death and the winner advances. Here's a link to the game results, so you have all the mascots in one place.

First: The play-in game.

Alabama St Hornets-- VS Morehead St. Eagles

On paper Eagles smoke Hornets any day. Especially the post-2005 logo. But look at the 2004 eagle. http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=6926 -- He's a mildly peeved anthropomorphic eagle wearing a sweater. He can't even fly as he has fists. And he actually looks more like a chicken than an eagle. But after looking at the logo, that's a pretty bad-ass hornet for Alabama State. Also, there's no frame of reference for the scale of the hornet. It may be one giant honkin' pissed off Hornet, we just don't know. And it's Hornets, plural. Imagine an entire flock of volvo sized killer bees.

Pick: I'm going Alabama State Hornets.
WEST Brackets

Connecticut Huskies -- Chattanooga Mockingbirds

Once again on paper this is a blowout. A Husky is a big, bad-ass dog bred for endurance and toughness in extremely hostile environments. Sure the mascot, Jonathan is a little goofy looking, but there is no way a dog doesn't destroy the stupid bird. I mean, mockingbirds are those annoying birds that squawk for hours at four in the morning. It's doomsday for Scrappy the mock... until you see a picture of Scrappy. Sure, he's a doofy looking bird wearing a conductor's hat... but he's driving a friggin' EXPRESS train. So Jonathan the cute doggy shows up for a scheduled fight with an annoying bird when the damn Moc express rolls right over him.

PICK: Chattanooga Mocs in a stunning upset.

BYU Cougars VS Texas A&M Aggies
Cougars Vs. Aggies

Cougars are pretty vicious animals, and they're known to take down an unwary jogger from time to time. Aggies are dudes that work in agriculture. They're tough and rugged and work below the poverty line. In other words, they're not taking any crap from a stinkin' cougar. Until you see the BYU Cougar mascot, Cosmo. He's like the Baskerville Hound of Cougars. He's vicious and mythic, and because Brigham Young prohibits pre-marital sex, drugs and alcohol, he's one horny, edgy cougar with pent up aggression. And the Aggies mascot is just a series of letters.

PICK: BYU Cougars -- Cosmo EATS the Aggies.

Purdue boilermakers vs. Northern Iowa Panthers

Hmm, Panthers are pretty vicious animals, but then again Boilermakers are trains. The latest logo is just a 'P', but their old one is an express train rolling down the tracks.

PICK: Purdue -- Trains flatten Panthers.

Washington Huskies vs. Mississippi state Bulldogs

Michael Vick's dream match-up, huskies versus bulldogs. The Washington Husky is named King Redoubt and is stoic and seems calm and collected before the big battle. Mississippi State's Bulldog has a big giant head and a sweater. Unless Bully the Bulldog falls and flattens the husky with his huge noggin, I'm confident in declaring King the winner.

PICK: Washington Huskies
Marquette Golden Eagles VS. Utah St. Aggies

Until 2003 Marquette had a racially insensitive Native American Warrior as it's mascot, but due to political correctness he's a boring eagle. Sure, Utah State is another Aggie... but this one is one tough mother of a Bull named Big Blue. Warriors used to kill bulls by the hundreds, but eagles don't.

PICK Utah State Aggies: Big Blue stomps the wussy eagle.
Missouri Tigers Vs. Cornell Big Red

The Missouri Tiger looks pretty ferocious and Big Red is a stick of gum... Except this Big Red is one pissed off grizzly bear. I saw this match-up on some nature show. They showed computer recreation proving that Grizzly Bears beat Tigers.

PICK: Cornell Big Red (Andy Dinardo from "The Office" is cheering right now.) Bears pound the Tigers.

Cal Golden Bears Vs. Maryland Terrapins

Although the Terrapin is a pretty tough looking turtle he's no match for Oski the Grizzly. Terrapins have tough Defense you say? Well a grizzly bear can apply thousands of pounds of pressure with his jaws. He'd crunch the puny turtle shell and slurp out the little reptile.

PICK: Cal Bear eats the Turtles.
Memphis Tigers Vs. CSUN Matadors

That's a pretty bad-ass Tiger preparing to dunk the ball. But then again I have a soft spot in my heart for the local team, Cal State Northridge. And that Matador looks mean. Matadors have no fear.

PICK: I'll take CSUN and Matty The Matador in an upset.

SOUTH Brackets

North Carolina Tarheels VS. Radford Highlanders

The old Tarheel mascot was a silly looking ram with a sweater. The new one looks meaner, with almost a satanic gleam in his eye. Whereas the Radford Highlander has a sword. I'm torn. But I'll take satanic Ram over awkward looking guy with a big sword, even if he is from Scotland.

PICK: North Carolina Satanic Rams.
LSU Tigers Vs. Butler Bulldogs

How unoriginal. More tigers and more bulldogs. I'm torn. I guess I'll have to go straight geography. Louisiana is mostly swampland. If there's a tiger living in that swamp he's going to be one ferocious hell-tiger.

PICK: LSU Hell-tiger wins in a coin-flip.
Illinois Fighting Illini VS. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

Well the Illini is a Native American tribe. And they're just not regular Illini, they're fighting ones. And their logo is this stoic chief with a full headdress proving his venerable fighting skills and leadership. The hilltopper is a goofy red Grimace guy with a flag.

PICK: Illinois Illini scalp the Grimaces.
Gonzaga Zags (Bulldogs) VS. Akron Zips

Zags versus Zips -- who wins between the cutesy named mascots. Well, the Zags are actually bulldogs and Zips are kangaroos. Kangaroos hop fast and they're cute. However, the Gonzaga dog looks rabid and will never stop fighting after he scents blood. And anything called "A Zip" can't be good at fighting. It just can't.

PICK: Gonzaga -- A Bulldog advances. Finally.
Arizona St. Sun Devils VS. Temple Owls

So we have a Devil, that burns with the heat of the sun. And an owl, albeit a royally pissed off looking owl. And it's from a Temple, sent down by Athena to fight for Truth and Wisdom. So it's a Holy Owl. Hmm, who knew this battle would have biblical implications? Well, the Sun Devil has a porn star mustache, which I usually appreciate but the Temple Owl mascot is not messing around. And I like Truth and Wisdom so I give the edge to the bird.

PICK: Temple -- I think the holy God-Owl beats the Sun Devil.
Syracuse Orange VS. Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks

Orange is a color, and the mascot looks like a lecherous beach ball. Whereas the Lumberjack mascot is a disembodied arm with an Axe of Vengeance. I think the mystical arm-axe chops the beach ball.

PICK: Stephen F. Austin (the most mundane University Name in all of America -- you know these guys have a feeling of inferiority.)
Clemson Tigers VS. Michigan Wolverines

Ugh, Tigers again. This logo is a gigantic tiger footprint. So it's probably like Godzilla, or the Lost Smoke Monster of Tigers. That's pretty awesome. A wolverine is a small but thoroughly vicious animal. But he's also an X-man with adamantium claws and a ridiculous healing factor.

PICK: Michigan Wolverines takes down the Epic Invisible Tiger in an X-man upset.
Oklahoma Sooners VS. Morgan State Bears

The Sooners are pioneers who conquered the West. Bears got conquered as the Pioneers colonized.

PICK: Oklahoma Pioneers conquer the Bears, again.
Coming soon: North and East match-ups.

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