Saturday, March 14

World of Snail

Snail’s view from across the pond

Idol’s Top 13 – Michael Jackson Night

It was clear from the start that tonight was going to be special. Lights were flashing on and off – the beats were pounding and the curtain went up to reveal The Four Judges in a manner that Earth, Wind And Fire would find inappropriately pompous.

For they are the stars of the show – not the poor saps who parade before America (and the rest of us) every week. I would like at this point to apologise to the USA for Simon Cowell. I know you think we are all like Hugh Grant, James Bond or Cary Grant – but some of us CAN say a flat ‘a’ sound. Most of us are polite and generous too. The edict we tend to live by is ‘don’t criticize unless you can do better yourself’. For the record, I CAN sing – but am too old and too ugly (and sensitive) to remotely consider entering a ‘talent’ show. Besides, ABBA night would freak me out.

Anyway – our top 13…

One thing our top 13 revealed tonight is how godawful Michael Jackson’s music is. Definitely a case of style over substance. He has sold 200 billion records and NONE to me. I did put 20p in a jukebox once to listen to Van Halen’s solo on ‘Beat It’, but that’s your lot. Expect a lot of key changes too.

First up was mother-of-three Lil Rounds who has three children. It’s a struggle being a mum of three children AND being a singer. Maybe she should have thought about that before humping like a trampoline during a hurricane. She chose a grotesque song: ‘The Way You Make Me Feel’ and postured her way though it in a cabaret style. ‘You knock me off my feet’ she sang. Hopefully she would land on her ‘booty’ and bounce back up. For the record I find her attractive, but she has three kids and I am not taking them on as well. Shudda kept them hidden.

Scott sang ‘Keep the Faith’ which was a turgid hymn. This guy is so wet he makes Randy Edelman look like Lemmy. He is dressed for battle and has even won medals by the look of it. Hi sister is ‘sight impaired’ too. He has my sympathy and seems like a sweet guy. No way will this guy win and he is NOT the genius we keep being told he is.

Gokey is seen at a party surrounded by dozens of hot chicks, all laughing at his madcap antics, and doesn’t he just love it! OK, I’m jealous as some of them were serious MILFS. I love the way the AI stylists colour coordinated his spectacles with his shirt. Nice. We Englishmen notice such things. He did ‘PMT’ and channelled the soul and spirit of Taylor Hicks, only without the sex appeal. And dignity. The judges loved it although I don’t know why.

Roughneck Sarver was up next and sang ‘You Are Not Alone’. His mother reminded me of one of those ‘True Movies’ were a housewife goes psychotic. Probably played by Meredith Baxter. But I digress. Paula though he was “instinctuall-ee” something or other. I was arguing with my children that Sarver could be the love-child of Steve Wilkos. They countered by saying that he looks nothing like Steve, to which I pointed out that he gets his looks from his mother. So there.

My concentration drifted during Jasmine’s ‘I’ll Be There’. My daughter was trying to name as many Premiership Football Managers as she could. Then I noticed that Jasmine’s mum was Donna Summer and her sister was Jordin Sparks. It freaked me out.

Kris Allen (who?) asked us if we ‘Remember The Time’. We were introduced to his wife and Simon said he should have kept her hidden. Probably remembers the kerfuffle over Cynthia Lennon. Maybe Simon would have been happier if ‘The Wife’ (I hate that objectifying expression) was blind and had been run over by a steamroller whilst trying to rescue a puppy or something. Clearly Simon saw Kris as having panty-wetting appeal. Clearly being a teenage trollop with a squalling brat isn’t a turn-off for a lot of guys too.

I love the way Randy announces that he is about to speak by bellowing “Yo”. I think everyone should do it.

Alison ‘40 Woodbines and a box of Swan’ boggled Pauler’s ‘mind’ whilst impersonating Pink singing ‘Give It To Me’ (or something like that). She didn’t change the gender of the song and came across like a ferociously predatory lesbian (is there nay other kind?). And she’s only 16! WOW! The judges thought she was a ‘rocker’. Yeah, a regular ‘Hell’s Angel’ isn’t she.

Anoop ‘Dog’ (how patronising is THAT!) always looks like his mum has got him ready: ‘always wear a tie and part your hair nicely. You will NEVER get a wife if you don’t listen to your mama etc’. ‘Beat It’ – terrible song choice and without Van Halen, not worth the five minutes of its existence. Anoop is a lovely lad but enough is enough. Go back to doing spelling bees and singing into hairbrushes. Please.

I like Jorge and I like his version of ‘Never Can Say Goodbye’. I also liked the way that he oozed the feminine sexuality of Minnie Riperton during his performance. When he cut out the melisma and sang the melody I enjoyed it. Liking the song helps, of course.

Megan’s mum is HOT! Phew! Me likee! Rockin’ Robin was dreadful. It has always been dreadful. It will be dreadful when I am but dust in the wind (hey, how about a Kansas night???). It reminded me of Lena Zavaroni. Look, if my references seem obscure to my USA friends, GOOGLE! Megan has a sleeve and a hot mum. Did I mention that her mum is HOT???

We got to see the Adam’s Family, all sat there clicking their fingers. Adam sang Duran Duran’s ‘Hungry Like The Wolf’ when it was rewritten as ‘Black And White’. He’s good and there’s no escaping it. Has the look of a winner which means he will be cut unexpectedly at a crucial stage in the ratings – I mean ‘competition’.

Pauler shouts: “Adam, take it all in!” I coughed.

Matt sang ‘Human Nature’ by Bruce Hornsby, which was good when sampled by SWV. I hate to say this but I thought Matt came across as rather classy. A better pianist and singer than Scott, but as Matt is not ‘visually impaired’ he will not be lauded as a ‘genius’. Pauler thinks he is ‘sexy’. Fair enough, but I don’t get the Robin/Timberlake (both manufactured tripe IMHO) comparisons at all. It’s like comparing Ray Charles with Lulu.

Finally we get Alexis (and secret baby). Singing ‘Dirty Diana’, I was reminded of the Rocky Horror Show’ with Mr T. I thought it was atrocious. As for being ‘sexy and naughty’ I think she looks like a 12 year old prosta-toot. She is so po-faced when she sings too. You can tell she spends hours in front of the mirror perfecting her WHGS (Whitney Houston Gob Snap): when you sing a loud note, mouth as wide open as possible, look all serious, and then snap your mouth shut with astonishing rapidity. It’s gotta hurt a little, and it really gets on my nerves. I really ought to chill out more.

I am a day or so behind here in Merry Old England so I look forward to the sensational new format, which will, no doubt, rock my world. Or not.



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