As this movie is fairly new, I had better warn you that we are heading into ‘spoiler territory’. Okay???
This movie has been heralded as Clint Eastwood’s ‘masterpiece’. It’s ok but not as good as some others he’s been in, like ‘Bronco Billy’ and ‘Heartbreak Ridge’. Gran Torino tugs at the heartstrings continually, asking us to get involved, clutching at our legs, and eventually we are dragged into the movie.
Gran Torino is a car, not an old Italian lady. Just thought I’d clear that up.
It begins with a funeral, an open casket with Clint stood at its head. Actually the casket is acting Clint off the screen at this point. Not a good start. We feel that the wrong one is being buried.
A good buddy of mine reckons Clint’s character ‘Walt’ is really Dirty Harry gone old. I disagree most vehemently. It’s Lurch from the Addams Family gone old. Seriously. Check out the guttural groans peppered throughout this epic. Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-rr-rrr…
‘Walt’ is a bitter racist who fought in Korea. The barrage of racist quips is soon nullified as we realise that they are ‘just words’ (according to the movies ‘apologists’). I find racism repulsive except when it is used to provoke Spike Lee. But hey, if it’s good enough for Clint – that’s fine. All his buddies in the film think it’s adorable and join in with huge cheesy grins!
He discovers that he likes foreign food. The ice is thawing…
He abuses the young man who lives next door and makes him do all sorts of chores. Eventually he falls in love with ‘Toad’ and acts as a kind of begrudging subliminal ‘mentor’. I half expected him to shout ‘wax on – wax off’ at him. Or croak it at least.
‘Walt’ smokes a lot of cigarettes and spits blood everywhere. He is not a well man. He will probably die soon. Sympathy for ‘Walt’ please.
Reminds me a bit of when they used to haul in Nazi war criminals years ago. These guys would be on the doddering side of the ageing process. My mum used to say things like “Awwww… look at him. He’s OLD. Awwww…..”. etc. Draw your own conclusions from THAT bizarre mindset. I used to work in the Housing department for Liverpool City Council many years ago and I can tell you that the really obnoxious ones were the elderly. I had a heated discussion with my dad who insisted that the older generation were more “gentle and polite”. Well, my experience differed greatly. Fortunately I find the younger ones have a far better attitude (albeit one slightly warped by sinister ‘political correctness’) but I am guardedly optimistic.
‘Toad’, under ‘Walt’s’ tutelage, gets a job, pulls a hot chick and gets a cigarette stubbed out on his cheek. He also blows the chance to join a real cool gang. Schmuck.
‘Toad’s’ sister is a feisty young thang who likes ‘Walt’. Her persistence means that ‘Walt’ likes her too. She gets attacked and ‘Walt/Clint’ does that face thing he did to such great effect in that crap film he made with Burt Reynolds.
After much anxiety, ‘Walt’ sorts out everyone’s mess and croaks on the floor in the famous Soundgarden ‘Jesus Christ Pose’.
‘Toad’ inherits the car.
Fin.
This film is just under 2 hours long and the time passes fairly quickly so you could say I enjoyed it. Will I watch it again? For sure. Should YOU watch it? Absolutely. Is it Clint’s best film ever? No, but should it have to be?
Clint is one of the great treasures of the USA and is loved all over the world.
I love him anyway, but in a manly way.
Snail.
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Sunday, March 29
Sunday, March 8
WORLD OF SNAIL: The Warriors - a movie for REAL MEN!
I was watching The Warriors for roughly the 75th time. The magic was wearing a bit thin. The sheen on the little leather jerkins was losing its lustre when my wife said – “This movie, well, don’t you think it’s all a bit gay?” My jaw dropped. In one fell swoop the movie had been reborn. To say I began to see the whole shebang in a new light was a monumental understatement.
Even the dvd in the case garnered a warm and welcoming glow. I was sure that it may have been winking at me. I felt like Bobby Goldsboro in that song where he gets molested by a divorcee. I knew I would see the sun rise as a MAN.
The movie begins with all these scary gangs congregating in a park to hear a lecture from Disco Tex in a bad mood. All the most vicious gangs are there: The Bing Crosbys, The Dom DeLouises and The Horshacks being the most prominent.
After asking the assembled throng if they can count and then calling them ‘Suckers’, almost all those in attendance are in awe of Tex. In fact the only man there with any idea of what to do next is Luther from The Rogues. Having had enough of Tex’s posturing he decides to shoot him. He hits the bullseye despite being as high as a kite and psychotic to boot. Respect.
I like The Rogues. They think nothing of going into a sweet shop and taking a few chocolate bars without paying for them. Luther even shouts at the girl behind the counter in an unpleasant manner. Chilling…
Rembrandt’s skill as a tagger would humiliate a ten-year old. The fact that they nicknamed him ‘Rembrandt’ puts to bed the lie that Americans can’t grasp the concept of irony. Also many feel that Rembrandt is gay, simply because he doesn’t find The Lizzies particularly attractive. Awwww, come on – they are savagely plain, with their dreadful hair and terrible dress sense. Rembrandt isn’t gay, he is simply fussy.
The portrayal of womankind is this movie is moderately interesting. The Lizzies are clearly a group of inept homicidal lesbians with crimpers, Mercy is a belligerent nymphomaniacal idiot, and the DJ woman is merely a mouth spouting threats. Park Cop Lady is just a tease to ensnare young men in jerkins who are struggling with their sexuality. Speaking of which…
Following his arrest, Ajax was sent for counselling on his misogyny and homophobia. Having been forced to confront his feminine side, he now leads a fruitful life as one of our more enlightened members of society. He can often be seen on the Ricki Lake show. In the audience.
Swan and Rembrandt moved in together and set up their own designer leatherwear company. But they aren’t gay.
Me? I have formed my own gang: The Instow Traffic Lights. I am operating on a budget here, so my outfit is: green trousers, amber sweatshirt and a red hat. Like a traffic light see? I am the only member of the gang due to being one of the few in Instow (North Devon) under 80. I patrol my turf making sure that nobody wearing colours trespasses, and if they do, they gotta parley.
After a while it can be quite depressing looking for women to force myself upon and calling myself a faggot. I really have to go on a recruitment drive. Maybe put a card in the window of the local post office. That should do it.
Even the dvd in the case garnered a warm and welcoming glow. I was sure that it may have been winking at me. I felt like Bobby Goldsboro in that song where he gets molested by a divorcee. I knew I would see the sun rise as a MAN.
The movie begins with all these scary gangs congregating in a park to hear a lecture from Disco Tex in a bad mood. All the most vicious gangs are there: The Bing Crosbys, The Dom DeLouises and The Horshacks being the most prominent.
After asking the assembled throng if they can count and then calling them ‘Suckers’, almost all those in attendance are in awe of Tex. In fact the only man there with any idea of what to do next is Luther from The Rogues. Having had enough of Tex’s posturing he decides to shoot him. He hits the bullseye despite being as high as a kite and psychotic to boot. Respect.
I like The Rogues. They think nothing of going into a sweet shop and taking a few chocolate bars without paying for them. Luther even shouts at the girl behind the counter in an unpleasant manner. Chilling…
Rembrandt’s skill as a tagger would humiliate a ten-year old. The fact that they nicknamed him ‘Rembrandt’ puts to bed the lie that Americans can’t grasp the concept of irony. Also many feel that Rembrandt is gay, simply because he doesn’t find The Lizzies particularly attractive. Awwww, come on – they are savagely plain, with their dreadful hair and terrible dress sense. Rembrandt isn’t gay, he is simply fussy.
The portrayal of womankind is this movie is moderately interesting. The Lizzies are clearly a group of inept homicidal lesbians with crimpers, Mercy is a belligerent nymphomaniacal idiot, and the DJ woman is merely a mouth spouting threats. Park Cop Lady is just a tease to ensnare young men in jerkins who are struggling with their sexuality. Speaking of which…
Following his arrest, Ajax was sent for counselling on his misogyny and homophobia. Having been forced to confront his feminine side, he now leads a fruitful life as one of our more enlightened members of society. He can often be seen on the Ricki Lake show. In the audience.
Swan and Rembrandt moved in together and set up their own designer leatherwear company. But they aren’t gay.
Me? I have formed my own gang: The Instow Traffic Lights. I am operating on a budget here, so my outfit is: green trousers, amber sweatshirt and a red hat. Like a traffic light see? I am the only member of the gang due to being one of the few in Instow (North Devon) under 80. I patrol my turf making sure that nobody wearing colours trespasses, and if they do, they gotta parley.
After a while it can be quite depressing looking for women to force myself upon and calling myself a faggot. I really have to go on a recruitment drive. Maybe put a card in the window of the local post office. That should do it.
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